as much as it hurts i guess i'm glad she told me how she really feels. it was a huge weight lifted off her chest and i'd hate for her to continue pretending and lying to me, all the while getting hurt herself.

maybe she's right, one can never have too many best friends. look where i am now. i cant have one without hurting the other. i hate myself for hurting her that much and not even have realised it. perhaps i took her for granted.

i had a lot of things to say to her, since we were deep into an honest open conversation i wanted to come clean and tell her the times where ive felt hurt and i felt like ive lost my best friend. but i just couldnt. or maybe i didnt want to. i didnt want her to hate me even more or stray further away. actually she's right, i'm the one who strayed. i realise that now but it's too late. i failed to let her know through my actions how much she means to me. perhaps i thought she understood.

it's not that i dont feel comforted around her. i've just grown to needing both around for comfort. saying that i need different things from different people makes me sound like a horrible person. i guess that's who i've become. a lousy person and a lousy best friend.

to her we are merely good friends now. but i cannot see her as anything else except a best friend. despite what she thinks she is still my best friend. you might think i'm being selfish and greedy in wanting both. i guess i was. perhaps i dont deserve either of them. that'll teach me not to neglect people i love.

i have to thank yana for being her shoulder to cry on and for being there for her when she truly needed a friend and i could not be the one because i caused all of this. really yana, thank you.