we had quite an exciting ct period today. we had to share with our classmates what good qualities we found in ourselves and affirm each other. it made me think a lot about how i view myself and how people view me.

i dont know why, it's hard for me to feel confident about myself. i really do admire people who have so much self-confidence. they are really assured about who they are and what they want to be. they're not affected by what people say or do. why cant i be more like them? why cant i wake up every morning and say "i'm not perfect, but i'm good just the way i am." my morning thought stops at "i'm not perfect." sharini says i give myself too little credit. sometimes i feel that she's right, other times i feel i give myself too much. most of the time it's the latter. it's just not easy for me to believe when others say something good about me. not that i dont appreciate their praises or compliments, i just cant seem to get it into my head and tell myself "hey, they're right, i am good."

i thought that my low self-esteem was due to the fact that i thought i was fat and unattractive. i really hated myself for being so superficial and thinking so disgustingly shallow. well i've lost quite a lot of weight if i do say so myself, no difference in how i feel about myself...okay maybe a little difference, but very minute one at that. it is really miserable and pathetic to feel so low about yourself and then, be angry at yourself for feeling like that.

i feel the need to be on good terms with everybody. because i just hate having people hate or even dislike me just a little bit. even poeple i dont like. i guess i have this thinking that it's okay for me to not like people but everyone must like me or else i will be deemed a failure in life. i guess that's why i'm such a people pleaser. but why should i do that? why should i go all out to please people, to make them like me, to be there for them, to give them support, to keep them company, anything. why should i do all that for them when they rarely ever do anything back in return? not that i expect anything back, i dont, that's just wrong. but it sucks when you're not appreciated. sometimes thanks just isnt enough to show appreciation. i dont know, sometimes i expect more. this is when i again question myself, am i sincere? why doesnt thanks suffice? what do i want in return? then i scold myself again for being such a bitch.

sometimes i really do hate myself you know. i can sit here while typing to myself and think "omg zu you are such a whiner! stop wallowing in self-pity and get a fucking grip woman!" and you can sit there reading this and think, "this girl is crazy, she should shut the fuck up and get a life..." whatever. i cant stop myself from feeling this way. i really want to get rid of these shitty thoughts and feelings that have been haunting me ever since a came into teenagehood. but i dont know how to.

please help me.

so i'm sitting in the comp lab right now with tiggerina and thumberlina. we all have cute little disney names for ourselves. =D okay childish but what the heck.

i thought chaucer would be such a pain to read but it's actually not that impossible and quite interesting actually once you overcome the fear of the language. omg am i turning into a mugger freak?

our rugby boys had a match against mi yesterday at our school. such an exciting game. it was almost neck-to-neck. ALMOST. of course we won despite the mi boys being twice the nanyang ruggers' sizes. can i just say that we have quite a few hot ruggers. watching them playing in the rain yesterday was OMG.

met up with nani after that. it was nice. i really missed her. =)

i just realise mid-year exam is in 2 months. in 2 months i have to cramp 2 years worth of maths concepts, details on 4 lit books, plus malay sastera stuff into my head. so extremely screwed.

oh wait! just realised production is next week! aarrrrgghhh!!!

sigh. i hope people will like five-foot-way. i'm kinda proud of it. it's really nice. it's a very real play, very close to all our hearts i think. come and watch it people!

i've been feeling very physically and emotionally tired lately. about the latter, i'm not sure why but yeah, i just feel so...exhausted.

oh my god.

as of today i can safely say that menstrual cramps are THE most painful things in the whole world.

during assembly this morning i started feeling really uneasy and i knew straight away that that time of the month had finally come but i wasnt prepared with a pad in my bag. thank god darling bambi had one in her bag. throughout the whole of maths lecture i couldnt focus at all because the pain was excrutiating and i was just waiting for lecture to be over so that i could dash to the malay room to lie down fo a while. so much for dashing. i could barely walk let alone climb the stairs all the way up to the 5th floor. i somehow managed to get there and plopped myself onto the sofa. the pain was getting worse and i couldnt sit still without wanting to tear my uterus out (dont ask me how...). i tried to do some work but i just couldnt focus. i shifted from the tables to the platforms at the back of the malay room and back to the sofa again. by then the pain was so totally unbearable i started crying. i was even trembling. it was then i decided to listen to sharini and take early leave home. thanks little mermaid for helping me. i took the cab home. i was sooo bloody pissed with the driver! her drove so fast which meant a lot of sudden breaks and bumps throughout my journey home. he was enjoying himself while i was sitting at the back grimacing and holding back my tears everytime there was a bump. and i had to pay 12 bucks for all that. ugh.

anyway i'm rotting at home now, still in pain but bearable. i will absolutely die if this is going to happen every single month. i usually have painful cramps but never before as bad as this. it's so unfair that women have to go through this every single month from the moment they reach puberty to the moment they hit menopause. let's say a girl first gets her period at the age of 12, and hits menopause at the age of 50. that's 38 years. which means we women have to suffer such excrutiating pain once every month for about 4 decades of our lives. and this doesnt include the pain we go through to give birth. men have all the luck. ugh.

oooh gilmore girls starting soon. wheeeee!!!!

i dont know why i've been feeling kinda of miserable lately. maybe i'm pms-ing. i'm missing all my friends. each and every single one of them. but i feel like i'll be bothering them if i just pick up the phone to call or sms coz you know, we're all very busy people.

yeah.

if it's not bad enough that i had a horrible horrible sore throat and a really bad runny nose (i've been blowing my nose so much it feels numb now)...that i've skipped three days of school and because of that i missed my chance of getting the SMC CCA award because i missed the interviews...that i havent stepped out of the house since tuesday morning...if all that isnt suffering enough...i just had to develop rashes. where it came from i have no friggin idea...all i know is that i am itching all over my body. what did i do to deserve this? which heartless soul wished this upon me? somebody please kill me now.

i need to distract from the itch. okay so pw turned out better than expected. really thought i might flunk coz bloody anthony ho didnt get our project til like the very last minute, after i answered my question which scared the hell out of me but thankfully god was kind enough to remember the many sleepless nights i had and the tears i shed with rani during those intense pressurising moments. it all paid off in the end.

okay so regarding my previous post about my dad, just heard his side of the story and i am relieved to know that he's still the dad i know and love, but now with a heavier burden on his shoulders. i thought things were okay for my family, seeing how my parents seem to be quite contented. but according to my sources (that means my grandma) things are still extremely shaky and my parents are just trying not to worry anybody.

oh well, i should just be thankful that no matter what problems i have, there are still many people out there i know who have it worse than me. had a nice chat with shufang when she came over to my house to make some delicious cornflake cookies. was quite surprised that she revealed so much to me coz let's face it we're not exactly best friends. but i'm gald she did. it's nice to have people open up to you and it's nice to just sit down and share. =D of course there were some bitching involved.

oh god the itch is killing me.

i need lotion NOW.

i've been rotting at home for 2 days. my throat is seriously killing me. somebody tear my throat out please.

anyway, i think my grandma has a knack of talking and revealing too much. it's not in any of her intentions to talk and bad-mouth other people but sometimes it seems to come across that way. she got a phone call just now and was telling me about it. i wish she hadnt said anything to me. now i keep asking myself...was what she said really true? is my dad really like that? no he cant be. he's a good person, he wouldnt do such a thing. i mean no matter how much we owe people, even if we cant afford to pay them back, he wouldnt try to avoid them right?

would he?

okay so i was at ang mo kio station today waiting for mardi coz she was supposed to pass me her salina book. so there i was standing at the control station and this group of disgusting-looking ajc guys turned up. they were standing around the area also and they started talking about me. like hello i'm there in front of you and you talk about me as if i'm invisible. so anyway they were blatantly checking me out and commenting about the way i look and i heard one of the guys say, "face like shit...but hot bod..."

omg! so embarrassing! i was all alone and i didnt know where to look and how to look.

face like shit??? honestly all this while i thought i had a fat disgusting body but an okay face, not pretty but pleasant enough. now apparently people think i'm ugly? i was pissed at first coz they were all disgusting to begin with and so i dont think they were in any position to judge the way i look. but then i became extremely sad and it didnt help that i was in my pms-y mood.

there i go again. for heaven's sake stop it zu.

hey to those who actually read me blog.

it's been a while since i last updated. i've been just so tired from school that i don't bother to come online and if i do, well updating my blog would be the last thing on my mind.

drama has just been so tiring i have no idea why because it's not that intense yet. so i cant imagine how bushed i would be when it gets more intense. but it has been fun though. we've been doing loads of improvs on the most important scene, trying to come up with the perfect resolution for the play because frankly the resolution now just doesnt seem to be working. improvs can be so hilarious sometimes with the funny things that we end up saying but when the actors are clear about their characters and their motivations and we actually focus, it's amazing the ideas we develop from it all. it's all good i guess but the time that drama taking up is so not funny. i hardly have time to catch up on my work because i go straight to bed once i get home and i always intent to wake up in the middle of the night to do my work but i never do.

speaking of all things drama i'm going to acjc production this saturday. i really really pray it's going to be worth my $25 because i had to starve in school for a few days to save that amount. yes pathetic i know. but camelot last year was so entertaining and since this year is SYF year i'd expect them to come up with something equally good or even better. and of course hopefully i'd enjoy some eye candy there as well. =P

i think miss victor is being so irresponsible for taking forever to mark our block test scripts. because of that now they're just going to use our king lear essay for our block test grades and nothing else. i am so not complaining about that considering i did quite well for that essay, hehe, but it i not fair to the rest who might have depended on thier great expectations and PC essays for their results. it's our grades we're talking about here. couldnt have she just finished marking....seeing as how mrs gan manages to do it what with having kids and all. to think she goes on and on about completing her assignments on time and blah blah blah.

sigh..ok i better go off to do my karangan. ugh.

ta-ta.