we had quite an exciting ct period today. we had to share with our classmates what good qualities we found in ourselves and affirm each other. it made me think a lot about how i view myself and how people view me.

i dont know why, it's hard for me to feel confident about myself. i really do admire people who have so much self-confidence. they are really assured about who they are and what they want to be. they're not affected by what people say or do. why cant i be more like them? why cant i wake up every morning and say "i'm not perfect, but i'm good just the way i am." my morning thought stops at "i'm not perfect." sharini says i give myself too little credit. sometimes i feel that she's right, other times i feel i give myself too much. most of the time it's the latter. it's just not easy for me to believe when others say something good about me. not that i dont appreciate their praises or compliments, i just cant seem to get it into my head and tell myself "hey, they're right, i am good."

i thought that my low self-esteem was due to the fact that i thought i was fat and unattractive. i really hated myself for being so superficial and thinking so disgustingly shallow. well i've lost quite a lot of weight if i do say so myself, no difference in how i feel about myself...okay maybe a little difference, but very minute one at that. it is really miserable and pathetic to feel so low about yourself and then, be angry at yourself for feeling like that.

i feel the need to be on good terms with everybody. because i just hate having people hate or even dislike me just a little bit. even poeple i dont like. i guess i have this thinking that it's okay for me to not like people but everyone must like me or else i will be deemed a failure in life. i guess that's why i'm such a people pleaser. but why should i do that? why should i go all out to please people, to make them like me, to be there for them, to give them support, to keep them company, anything. why should i do all that for them when they rarely ever do anything back in return? not that i expect anything back, i dont, that's just wrong. but it sucks when you're not appreciated. sometimes thanks just isnt enough to show appreciation. i dont know, sometimes i expect more. this is when i again question myself, am i sincere? why doesnt thanks suffice? what do i want in return? then i scold myself again for being such a bitch.

sometimes i really do hate myself you know. i can sit here while typing to myself and think "omg zu you are such a whiner! stop wallowing in self-pity and get a fucking grip woman!" and you can sit there reading this and think, "this girl is crazy, she should shut the fuck up and get a life..." whatever. i cant stop myself from feeling this way. i really want to get rid of these shitty thoughts and feelings that have been haunting me ever since a came into teenagehood. but i dont know how to.

please help me.