Where's My Magic Carpet?

i am not superwoman

2008-06-26T20:47:00.002+08:00

first and foremostly i would like to extend my sincere apologies to friends whom i have neglected over these past few weeks. as lame as an excuse as this might sound, i have been packed to the brim with work and dance that i'm starting to believe that i could be superwoman. okay kidding.

i am writing a script for guangyang primary, a musical. and i'm editing and extending a few others. okay so it's children's plays, can't really call myself a playwright right, but still, it's been a challenge just making sure none of my lines sound too cliched, or lame, or downright ridiculous. not to mention the constant pressure i've been getting from my boss, reminding me of the deadlines. i now know how lailatron felt.

as busy as i might sound, and as tired as i am, i've come to realise that despite my complaints, i really do love my job very very much. and well at this point of time, i really appreciate the workload to keep my mind fully occupied on something productive rather than allow myself the luxury of time to bum around and ponder upon a few things that might have upset or disappointed me recently. the company of my kids, as annoying as they can be sometimes, is the best remedy to everything.

i'm excited about performing at esplanade next weekend. although, it's a bloody darn short item, it's gona be a new experience i guess. come for the show if you want people! soundwaves 2008: 12 to 12 at the esplanade theatre, 4th and 5th july. dont come to watch me, come to watch the whole production. it's quite fun.

and not to mention my trip to vietnam. finally a trip! okay so i'm going there for dance, not exactly a holiday but by my standards, it's close enough.

oh i watched an air guitar competition last saturday at esplanade powerhhouse. funniest shit ever. yes you, you heard it right, AIR GUITAR COMPETIITION. loves it.

okay back to scriptwriting.

bored update

2008-06-04T13:38:00.002+08:00

ive been so lazy to update. just been busy with work ever since after exams. i think my friends are right. i dont knw when to say no and when to take a break. so i shouldnt actually be complaining that im tired right since im bringing all this upon myself. but honestly, work is not an option. i have to work. i just have to. if not how am i going to support myself. dance is perhaps just a matter of passion. i should learn to say no to doing certain shows if my schedule is too packed for the week. but you knw, it's a cumulative thing. the more shows i do, the more practices i go for, would prove my dedication, and would give me enough practice to improve. and with improvement i get to experience more, be exposed to more things. and that's what i want. to go somewhere, to progress. not just to remain stagnant at one place and at one level.

s7gem camp was fun. i never fail to be amazed by all these smart kids who have knowledge beyond their years. amazing what goes on in the minds of some primary school kids. they read so widely. i am quite ashamed i dont knw half as much as they do. i hope to get some pictures soon to post.

i am so upset about the change of date for dance reflections. i am supposed to be in london or liverpool or paris during that time but noooo, i have to be here, dancing. bleagh. plus, my saving plan for the trip is not working well. all the loaning and impulsive shopping, and the cabbing is leaving my pocket very dry. maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

BUT NO WHAT AM I SAYING! it is only an easy matter of postponing the trip by a few days. i need to lose weight anyway so i should stop splurging on food and as long as i dont clean up my room and clear my cupboard i should not be buying anymore clothes. okay that's my new saving plan. london and paris here i come! and liverpool. =) *hides from nani*

off to spend this rare lazy afternoon watching movies online. i am loving my mac thank you.

apt

2008-05-23T04:58:00.002+08:00

my current favourite song because of the aptness of it. =D

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to knows.

post exams

2008-05-17T22:21:00.006+08:00

so much for wanting to relax and unwind after exams.

since my last paper last friday i have spent every single day this week at CHS running after bratty but extremely adorable p2 boys, and on top of that had to teach at bukit timah and guangyang, and also the centre obviously. then there's this very interesting dance workshop which i am attending at victoria theatre over this weekend. next week is birthday celebrations week and then there's a show on sunday which i havent learnt steps for! what the hell am i doing to myself seriously!

been doing a lot of quick shopping in between, from cotton on! loves it! problem is, so does everyone else. i probably have the same clothes as half the girls in singapore. oh wells. what the heck. as long as i look good. lol.

i honestly am disappointed. i dont knw whether in myself or in others, a bit of both i guess. disappointed in myself for being dumb and naive enough to believe in some people and give them the benefit of the doubt despite the whole world telling me to do otherwise. i guess i kinda cant be bothered now because it happened quite some time ago and it's long over, but i dont knw, i guess finding out the real naked truth still hurts somewhat. i think i should stop being so fucking trusting all the freaking time. i am so easily duped. i walk around with an invisible sign that says "I'M GULLIBLE, COME DUPE ME".

to make myself feel better i have borrowed FRIENDS season 6 and 7 from the library. i shall go drown my sorows now in some good ol' slapstick humor and witty comments.

i is love durian many many

2008-05-02T04:56:00.011+08:00

this is what i did on labour day.

DURIAN FEAST! <3>

happy durian-loving people. EGGCITED!

let the feast begin:

dont be deceived. we had five others before this.

"MMMM...."

and the aftermath...

we ate til we got sick of it. which is saying something because i absolutely positively lurrrrve durian.

okay so now guilt kicking is in. havent studied for saturday paper! argh!

bye people.

missing cici

2008-04-28T17:14:00.002+08:00

so yesterday my old maid, cici, came over to my house to visit. i had a nice long chat with her, updating each other about our lives. turns out she found a nice indonesian guy and they've been seeing each other for almost a year already and she plans to go back to indonesia and get married once she's done with one more year of working with this brazilian family. but the best thing is, she intends to continue studying. she needs to go through 3 years of high school first which she is willing to after which she will pursue her studies at a university. as she was telling me this i felt an immense pride for her and her dreams and her patience. i know she's had to go through a lot with her family, and her father being sick. and to think that at her age and in her situation she still has found motivation to continue studying has just made me respect her so much more than i already have. and it makes me thankful for what i have. i pray hard all goes well for her.

sitting at the library now forcing myself to mug. i miss dance A LOT. okay so i did do a bit of dancing for kusumawangi but that was only a little and it has far from satisfied my itchy feet. went with fazli to toa payoh cc that day to watch era rehearse for their item for festival tari serumpun and i am SOOO jealous because the dance is so nice and i could be dancing for it if not for my exams!!! i cannot cannot wait for exams to be over. i need to feel the excitement of being in a dance studio and immensing myself in the movement. although i do many a time face the wrath of cikgu osman because of my unsatisfactory technique or agility, i feel most at peace when i am dancing. best feeling in the world.

no-lifer

2008-04-23T17:35:00.002+08:00

i am in school now mugging (obviously i am currently distracted) and i have been in school since yesterday. this is how much i am lacking in a social life at the moment. being in the library til 7.30am in the morning together with other no-lifers (a.k.a hazi, hidayat, latiff and mardi...lol) does not spell fun at all. it's okay. 9th of may. the end of hell and the beginning of freedom.

lately i've been finding myself counting down to june. it's a funny mix of emotions. happiness, excitement, anxiety, uncertainty, anticipation...all meshed up into one. it's scary, not knowing what lies ahead but i think should stop thinking about what will happen in the future and just live in the moment. because it is the now that is makes me smile and want to stay up well into the wee hours of the morning and sacrifice my beauty sleep. haha.

okay back to mugging.

=)

let's be muggers

2008-04-19T07:35:00.002+08:00

omg this is the time when i start to panic. 2 weeks to exams and i havent studied. so i thought after kusumawangi i could go all out but now i have 3000 word essay to do by monday which is really draining all motivation and joy out of me. i dont understand the logic of giving an essay deadline so close to exams.

zu should stop complaining and do something. *slaps*

time to do all nighters in school it seems. by the way thank you sufie hattareena for buying me maggie goreng for dinner yesterday. you are the BEST. *renjis-renjis dipilis*

hidayat owes us late night durian trip. and i owe him petrol money.

OMG EXAMS IN 2 WEEKS ARGH!!!

okay this was a super pointless entry of which you might have wasted your past 2mins reading. i apologise. my thoughts are incoherent at the moment.

off to work now. i miss hearing the loud high-pitched cries of "MISS ZEE!"

post production blues

2008-04-15T00:21:00.003+08:00

i am missing everyone already.

it's finally over. Kusumawangi. i wouldnt say that the whole experience has been a good one. there were many times where i ALMOST felt regret joining the team, there were times where i felt so bogged down by so many things that i just felt like screaming and tearing my hair out. there were times where i wondered why put so much into it in the first place, what would i gain?

friendship.

the reason the whole pementasan experience was worthwhile was all because of the people that were involved and the friendship i forged with them. i cant believe i wont be seeing much of them anymore. no more rehearsals at as7. no more watching the cast have hilarious blooper moments like "siape bunuh kopi tu?!". no more free rides home from dilz and andi. no more bitching sessions in the car. no more havoc lorry rides (winks at kusufie). no more late night fong seng "coz that's what artistes do". no more sleepover at as7. no more andi, azmil and khairul (i miss them already!). no more shopping at old marsiling and ikea and salvation army. no more wati, herman, wak leman, bu ratna, bu ani, dr. faruk, haryana, kartini, ratno, haji romli, jonet, arjuna and kusumawangi. no more excitement. no more adrenaline rush. no more fun.

having said that, i'd like to thank these people:

BFF - i know throughout the months i've been super busy and i have the tendency to neglect people. i just wana say that i am so thankful to have you in this whole experience with me. it made the good times more meaningful and the bad times more bearable. love ya to bits.

Sufie - or kusufie? haha. thanks fie, really for everything. i am so glad i had the chance to work with you on set for the production. i know i might have pushed a lot of the work to you, namely because i cannot draw for nuts and because marketing was a shit job. but that's no excuse. thank you for being such a darling to work with. above all, i felt i got to know you better thoughout the months of working with you and i'm grateful for it. you're one of the loveliest people i've ever met. here's to many many more. let's start planning for post production party! ;P

Dilz - what can i say dilz, you're the best. the sweat and blood you put in for this production is amazing. is unbelievable. i know a lot of people have given you a lot of shit and made things hard for you but you were strong and you faced it and you did well sweetheart. now it's time for you to kick back, relax and take time off (maybe do that after exams, heh). thank you for sending me home on so many occasions and for buying all of us food and snacks (cheetos!). and thank you for making everything happen. you were the one that pulled it together, along with khalid and laila. be proud of yourself girlfriend.

Laila - thank you for writing a FANTASTIC script. our success, is all mostly you. you took on so many jobs and you took a lot of shit from people as well. i have so much respect for you and your ideas so dont ever doubt yourself and continue being the creative genius that you are. Kusumawangi would not have happened without you, literally. well done lailatron.

Khalid - the person whom i think a lot of people love to hate and hate to love. i know at times people might take you for granted and might have said and done things which might have hurt you. i apologise if i was one of them. your passion for the team and the production itself was what pushed everyone. thank you.

Atiqah Fariuz - i dont what i'd do without you. you made the last few days leading towards the production day especially so much more fun and less stressful. the last week leading to D-Day was so difficult for me especially with regards to tickets and marketing and despite having your own things to worry about you helped me out, you came with me to meet sponsors and settle tickets. you were a great support atiqah. thanks so much for everything babe.

the cast - EXCELLENT job everyone. one of the most talented bunch i've ever seen. not to mention crazy. it was a blast working with you guys.

the crew - the logs ppl, shab and irah. hardly get the limelight but without them backstage would be chaotic. thank you lovely people.

to the rest, like ilsa for dancing for us, and hidayat for being a cool soundman and for driving us ard to meet sponsors, thank you.

Kusumawangi, chapter closed.

back to reality now. exams coming. i'm suddenly wishing to turn back time.

with that, i leave you with one of my most favourite lines in the play:

"APEEE?!" *with elastic suck cock face*

=D

distraction

2008-04-03T00:34:00.012+08:00

i am doing everything else except start on my essay due tomorrow. this brings my degree of prorastination to a whole new level.

the thing that makes waking up early on a saturday morning worthwhile (most times):

my darling kinder class minus tara and niki

tasha and leila...arent they just the cutest?

the torn amongst the roses, ryan.

heartbreaker this one.

my p1s, lance and jovi. as you can see, they're very shy.

they drive me crazy these kids, yet you cant help but love'em.

something's happening. but i am scared to hope for fear of getting hurt again. i seem to be falling for people with excess baggage lately. we'll see how it goes, especially come june. for now, it feels just right.

longest dream ever!

2008-03-28T12:08:00.002+08:00

so the last exciting dream i had was the one about my hot dream guy. i can remember only vaguely now what he looks like. sighs...

but anyway, last night, i had the longest most weirdest dream ever. i got back from school at ard 11 plus and i wanted to rest on my bed for a few minutes while i waited for the heater to warm up before taking my bath but guess what? i totally KO til morning. but here's the excting part. i dreamt....

THAT I MARRIED KHAIRI! LOL!

khairi, as in khairi johann. so anw, the dream came in 3 parts --

part 1: nani, khairi and i were at a party. and nani was going on and on about how she wanted khairi to settle down and khairi had the 'in one ear and out the other' attitude. then somehow we got to a point where nani told me and khairi to pretend that we were geting married and practise walking down the aisle. khairi was very annoyed but after a while he played along and then somehow he had some sort of enlightenment and HE decided that it was time to settle down too and he thought that nani was pairing him up with me so he agreed. then nani all happy that her brother is finally settling down went to bring another girl for him to marry and he got really angry and was accusing the both of us of playing him or something. i felt really really bad for him so i agreed to marry him. lol.

part 2: fast forward to a year later. i was apparently out of the country and khairi was again at some party alone. somehow he was narrating my dream and he was telling the story of how he's been cheating on me! but he was feeling guilty about it and he was really unhappy. and he drnking to drown his sorrows. LOL. (and no nani i dont really think this way about khairi. i do think he's a good boy. i really do!)

part 3: change of scene. probably fast forward to another time. it was a small apartment, very stuffy. there was a cot and a baby boy was inside. a very cute baby! and he was really sick. khairi and i were there. i picked the baby up and khairi was beside me. we were very worried about the baby so we ran down in the middle of night to catch a cab and bring him to the hospital. and then....

i woke up.

LOL. weirdest dream ever.

pubpub

2008-03-24T23:40:00.008+08:00

i have to thank dilz for kindly driving me home on many occasions these past few weeks. school is now my first home.

i shall upload comms ball photos once i get 'em from dinie...which might just be a very long time from now so til then...

in other news, publicity time!

The NUS Malay Language Society (PBMUKS) is putting up a production in April entitled Pentas Budaya 2008: Kusumawangi. It's a play produced, directed and performed by us. Here is a brief synopsis on what the play is about:

Newlywed couple, Herman and Wati, arrive in his village for the first time in ten years in hopes of moving into the house he had inherited from his father. Upon their arrival, Herman and Wati are met with struggles against the supernatural, or so it seems. Located in the highest and most hidden part of the house is the room of the vengeful soul of Kusumawangi. When her door was found unlocked, a series of strange and spine-chilling events start to occur and the people living in the house soon find themselves living under an unseen threat. Herman seeks the help of his friend, Dr Faruk, to help unravel this mystery behind the house. What is the story behind this mansion? And what connects this mansion and the unspoken name and untold tale of Kusumawangi?

Date: 13th April 2008

Venue: UCC Theatre
Time: 2pm and 8pm

Ticket prices: $12, $15 and $18 (15% discount for students and NSF for $15 and $18 tickets)[in Malay, with English surtitles]

You can get your tickets at any SISTIC counter or you can buy it online at the SISTIC website. For more information on our production you can visit the following websites:-

http://www.sistic.com.sg/portal/dt?desktop.suid=uid=authlessanonymous_sistic,ou=People,o=portal,dc=sistic,dc=com,dc=sg-

http://kusumawangi.wordpress.com/

Do come down and show us your support! We promise an entertaining show! =)

On top of that, we are selling T-shirts at $10 per T-shirt as part of our fund-raising. The designs are below. Do contact me at this email or call me at 92987284 to order.

Hope to see you there!

zombie

2008-03-18T16:22:00.002+08:00

i feel like a zombie. sometimes i'm not even thinking, i'm just doing. i'm just letting life take hold of me.

thank you lunch buddies for making my day yesterday. it was an escape that i really needed.

i really need to learn to take a break.

those kental days

2008-03-15T01:01:00.002+08:00

in the past 3 days i've had dinners with my old friends consecutively; wednesday with yati and sharini at swensens, yesterday with poppy, ranitha and thuts at pizza and and today with primary school friends at fish and co.

aside from the fantastic food, the dinners were just the thing i needed. a break.

i had piles of things to do and so much work to worry about but i told myself, to hell with all of that. just ahve a break zu. and it was really nice. especially today, sitting at starbucks chatting with my primary school friends about our kental days in school when we were young and had no care in the world whatsoever. we were recalling times when we were so into mtv and boybands and we used to all gather at my house to have dance and singing practices. we would sit around and quiz each other on the latest music and celebrity gossip and we would come up with the cheesiest dance steps which we thought so cool at that time to be performed in front of our friends in school. we must have been the subject of much gossip and entertainment for our acquaintances in school but none of us cared about what people thought of us. we were really in our own little world and it didnt even cross our minds to stop and think about what others might think about us. most importantly, we were happy and carefree.

today, 10 years down the road, i sit here and i realise a lot of things i do is influenced by the people around me. i stop and think a million times of how people might view me before i attempt to do something. it's extremely sad that our actions are restricted by societal perception and we impose such restrictions on ourselves to ensure that we fit in and not sidelined by society. in this moment, when i feel like i carry the weight of at least half the world on my shoulder that i wish my life could go on rewind and i would go back 10 years and live in that hapy carefree moment forever.

but oh well. responsibilities responsibilities. running away is not going to solve anything.

my lovely tewn-teen

2008-03-08T00:59:00.007+08:00

i've been packed to the brim with piles and piles of work and the work just keeps on coming! it's never ending! if this continues i think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown soon. God, i pray thee, help me.

so many things happened in the past week which i am just too tired to update about. birthday was okay. i had quite a fun one, what with nani very interesting and innovative and carefully planned presents, the surprise karaoke night courtesy of the spiffymiffies and the dinner party at my god mum's place. thank you to all everyone for your gifts and well wishes. turning 20 was made because of all of you.

then there was NUS Arts Fest which went rather smooth sailingly despite the many mistakes that i made. big hugs and kisses to those who came down to support like my family, nani, fazli, khairi, asri and abang arif...and it was nice seeing old kak lin again. thank God she didnt start to criticise me on my dancing which is what she always used to do at pa. Man that was stressful. i would post pictures but my make-up was horrendous so i'd rather not subject myself to public embarrassment.

presentation for acting class totally sucked. thankfully my acting lecturer acknowledged mine and khalid's knowledge of our characters and character motivations, even though we totally smoked our way through. lol. he actly apologised, or rather attempted to apologise for his diva moment last week where he threw an unnecessary tantrum because we all didnt turn up for his make-up lecture during recess week, which of course was not at all our fault. but whatever, if he thought he had redeemed himself in that attempt to sound self-reflective and concern towards our overall learning then he is so wrong. i just want to get it over and done with and never see another book about stanislavsky or brecht or theories of acting ever again.

quote of the day:

"i didnt know that lee kuan yew was once our prime minister." - yati

lol.

anti-racism

2008-02-26T21:35:00.009+08:00

ANTI-RACISM CAMPAIGN

the most confused clique you'll ever find. we encompass all ethnicities.

the 'CINA-POK' pose. note the half-hearted 'twiss!' hand gestures. typical.

the ultimate INDIAN 'you vant to eat???' expression that we all know so well (read: Russell Peters)

and my personal favourite (and i'm not being biased)...representative of the MALAY: the minah poses. 'STOP IT EH' and 'se-tep jambu'.

we make singapore proud. =D

theatre love

2008-02-23T00:03:00.002+08:00

I WANT TO WATCH THE PILLOWMAN.

and then there's TFP's Pinocchio's Complex coming up as well, and Foreplay by underground theatre sounds interesting.

any takers? =)

fare thee well

2008-02-22T00:51:00.002+08:00

so the dreaded day finally came. it was time to say goodbye to our dearest melly. seriously, i am so so proud of mel. it's so brave of her to take this big step in her life to leave the comfort of her own home and her family and friends to pursue her ambitions. i admire her for being so sure of what she wants to do and for having the courage to take risks and just go for it.

so anyway, at the airport:

everyone wanted a piece of mel...

i'm really going to miss her. even in such a short period of time of knowing her, she made a difference in my life. such a treasure of a friend she is.

dear mel,

all i want is for you to be happy. i shant say i wish you hadnt gone because that'll just be a selfish thing to say. i'm happy you've found something that you really want to do and i'm happy you're grabbing opportunities laid down in front of you and not letting them slip through your fingers. dont worry about your friends and family in singapore. just take care of yourself and make the most out of your stay there. and come back to visit please! dont find some hot aussie over there and suddenly forget all about us here. =P

LOVE YA MELANIE HO!

1 down

2008-02-18T20:21:00.008+08:00

so chingay is finally over.

i have to say i didnt enjoy it as much as i enjoyed last year's. i guess because i was so not feeling this year's dance. plus the fact that i was sick made me breathless most of the time and seriously, dancing at 7 stations back to back is no joke at all. i was already tired from all the waiting. i really almost wanted to die at the end of it all. it was just too tiring. i'm so glad it's all over.

i really didn't take any photos except for a few coz my camera phone kept screwing up. it's a sign i need to get a new phone. but anyways...here are some things we had to put up with:

we had to wear really ugly props. pointy fingers with pearls??? seriously what were they thinking!

we had to make ourselves up with glitter that is impossible to get off. my face still hurts from all that scrubbing.

but i guess complains aside, i did have a bit of fun. all thanks to the company.

here's me with the lovely munirah. i enjoyed the chitchat session with her during our long long wait at the back.

oh and i even had the time to do a kusumawangi shot. scary isnt it!

ah well, one thing down, 435978610 to go.

flu stint

2008-02-13T21:59:00.002+08:00

ugh flu bug please go away.

i realise i always fall really really sick at the worst and most inappropriate times. i was down real bad with flu and throat infection days before i had to perform in a play, and that happened on 2 occasions. same thing happened last year during national day dinner period when i had to dance. and now when i have a 45min presentation on friday and 2 days of chingay to peform for as well as teach for 5 hours on saturday, i have completely lost my voice and any energy in my body to do any work. talk about bad timing.

God please let me get better soon! i cannot afford to be sick now.

but mum's are the best when you're sick really. i always tell her not to fuss over me. she never wants to leave me alone when i am this sick because she is so afraid i will collapse. paranoid much. okay it has happened twice before but no need to be so overly protective. but anyway secretly i love th fussing because she makes really delicious sick people food and she rendams selasih to soothe my thorat and she does things for me and she doesnt nag at me to do housework! loves it. =)

have a happy valentine's everyone.

life's corniest moments

2008-02-10T00:56:00.001+08:00

Latest spiffy escapade.

Venue: Labrador Park
Theme: Floral (okay fine i cheated. sorry okay ;P)

a picture says a thousand words. here's a few.

do you really have to go?

nenek andak

2008-02-06T23:02:00.000+08:00

i really admire my grandaunt's strength. even when she's lying on the hospital bed cringing every 2 mins in pain she still can maintain her sense of humour and make me laugh til my sides hurt. and she was so high on drugs it took her half an hour of talking to my mum and i before realising it was us and not the nurses checking up on her. haha.

today i went to kpo2 at the pementasan practice session with the actors just to see what the cast was like and all. i am really excited to see how things progress coz from what i observed just now, the dynamics of this group of actors is just fantastic. we have a bunch of crazy and hilarious people in our cast and if today was just the beginning, i believe we're all in for a fantastic journey during these remaining months leading to the day itself.

it's supposed to be a public holiday but tomorrow i have a bloody dance day camp to attend. i need a holiday. a nice long holiday. this must be the millionth time i'm saying it, I NEED A HOLIDAY. khairi knows what he needs to do for me.

off to bed. REST. a need to get myself more of that.

lunch buddies and woes

2008-02-04T23:55:00.000+08:00

i officially have lunch buddies on mondays. i am happy. today mardi and i celebrated latiff's birthday over lunch by surprising him with a cute teeney weeney cake and of course, us being the top most uber fun girls in the world, latiff ended up looking like this:

LOL he might just kill me for posting this photo but whatever. loves it. and here's the adorable little mardianaaaaa!

i didnt take picture of mardi so i stole one from her friendster. lol. jangan marah mardi. next week i take a nice photo of you k.

here's to many more fun lunches together. =)

- i was chatting with my woman filzah about boyfriends and dating just now and i think both of us are in the same boat in a way. on the one hand i realise i should open myself up more and get to know more people but at the same time i am a little tired of people constantly reminding me that time's running out. and it's not just people asking me to find a boyfriend, it's friends everywhere suddenly getting attached and increasing the pressure. and of course there's that feeling of loneliness and yearning to know what it feels like that creeps up on me occasionally (more often than not) which makes everything worst. i try my best to keep my mind of thinking about things like this by keeping myself busy which i really am.

but honestly, it's not that i dont want to open up, i guess deep down inside there's that fear of getting hurt. i have a few weaknesses and one of them is being overly trusting and i truely am scared that i would get my heart broken in the end. and i'm not very strong at all. call me dumb but that's what holding me back, fear. and if i dont get over it one day it might be too late.

random

2008-02-01T00:45:00.000+08:00

just some random thoughts:

- chingay this year sucks seriously. rehearsals are super slow moving and i spend 3/4 of my time waiting around while the choreographers figure out what to do and where to put us when all of this should have been sorted out a long time ago. it's really sucking the life out of me. i could be doing smth more productive at home or at least be catching up on some much needed rest. not to mention the costume is super dull and uninspiring. and since the float and sizzors lift are so huge the audience wouldnt even probably see us, i dont see the point in all of it really. i just cannot wait for it to be over and i can take a break to focus on pementasan, and my projects!

- i miss mel a lot. i havent seen her for weeks.

- i miss nadia as well, and yati, and sharini. i havent seen them since forever. girls, we should meet up for gossip soon.

- i get easily frustrated lately, even during days i'm not supposed to be pms-ing. it's very unlike me. it worries me.

- i don't know whether i really want to major in english despite having spent thousand over points bidding for ONE bloody compulsory english module.

- readings, readings, readings, readings, readings. it's never-ending.

- my brother and i live under the same roof yet i can safely say i havent seen for weeks.

- i think i think too much sometimes.

tribute to heath

2008-01-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

so everyone should have heard by now the tragic news that heath ledger passed away yesterday. i have to say i'm quite sad, i mean he wasnt that much of a favourite, but i liked him and i thought he was a not bad actor. and he even has a new movie coming up. of course not forgetting he's left a daughter as well. life's really full of surprises.

onto another serious note, i wish people would mind their own business and not stick their noses into other people's affairs. i mean you can make your own assumptions despite knowing the real story and start bitching and gossiping, that's human nature i guess, that's just how people are. but if you're going to give a person a hard time just because you disagree with what he or she has done in his or her personal life, then that's just plain childish. work and personal life are two separate entities and matured people know that you cannot let your personal feelings affect your work, and you especially cannot let it affect the way you view the people you work with. so i hope everyone would stop wasting all their time judging others when they can put all their energy in being more productive professionally. no actually you know what, professionalism or no, just mind your own beeswax. nobody likes a busybody. sometimes it's good to keep things to yourself, it maintains peace, and it refrains from anyone getting hurt.

i dont want anyone to get hurt.

spiffy parties

2008-01-15T19:55:00.000+08:00

okay i know this entry is waaaaaayyyy overdue but i had a lot of things on my plate to settle lately. the previous week ive been busy busy planning parties now i finally have the time to breathe. i had the best time ever though and i wish for more of such things to make my life more interesting.

first party, MELLY's 20th BIRTHDAY BASH. The most bimbotic part of this bash (with only 5 ppl) was that our sole reason for buying oversized white tees for the party was so that we could write all sorts of nonsense on them with colourful markers for melly to keep as souvenirs...but we ended up forgetting all about doing that! but it was all good and i hope mel enjoyed it. love her to bits. i am really not looking forward to the day she leaves. i stand by my statement of wanting to lose more weight so that i can fit into your luggage mel. it's number one ony my new year's resolution list. :)

so then i had the much awaited (apparently only by a measely few) SOHO party me and nani organised. i have to say i was quite, no very disappointed with the turnout. a lot, and i mean A LOT of food was wasted and i didnt get to see many ppl i was hoping to see. to all of those who came, thank you so much and i hope you guys enjoyed it. to those who came earlier to help out, we couldnt have done it without you so thank you. herrick, eric and JQ were sweet to have stayed ALL the way til morning and helped us pack up and clean up. i am never, and i think nani will agree with me on this, ever going to organise another party again unless i have a car and truck loads of money at my disposal. despite the setbacks it wasnt too bad. everyone was all spiffy miffy. i like. :)

first week of school was boring with a capital B, perhaps excpet for malay culture and crossing boundaries. i think i can skip mondays from now on coz EL2111 is on webcast and i have no other lectures or tutorials on that day. webcast is the greatest invention ever made. loves it. =)

things in my calendar: pementasan, drama classes, chingay, nus arts fest (i joined ilsa tari can you believe it???). whooopeee. spiffy miffies have labelled me the overachiever. haha. right. it's more of feeling obligated and needing the money. let's hope i dont burn out.

soulmate

2008-01-04T16:27:00.000+08:00

despite my excruciating cramps, i woke up this afternoon with i big fat toothy smile on my face. why you ask?

i dreamt about my dream guy. *sighs*

it was so exciting! we were sitting around somewhere waiting for rehearsal to start. we were in a production together, i was acting and he was part of the production team. and he just came and sat next to me during the break and started talking to me, asking me questions and being all nice and sweet...and throughout the whole time i was thinking in my head "omg i have found my dream guy. i've found him!" and the best thing is, he's really really cute. not like drop dead gorgeous or anything, but as sufie puts it, realistically good-looking. he was looking all cool and sexy in jeans and black jacket. and as i was sitting next to him gazing up into his soulful eyes, it just felt so right. (LAUGH ALL YOU WANT, JUST LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT, it's not every day you dream about mr. right =] )

i hope i dream about him again.

what a year

2008-01-01T22:33:00.000+08:00

i had a whole long entry planned for yesterday...you know to sum up what ive done for the year like i do every end of year. but i realised, for this year, i just couldnt. not because there's nothing to talk about but because there's just too much to say and i wouldnt do justice to it no matter how long my entry might have been. it's just been a hell of a year for me. i did so many things that i am proud of and many that i would rather not have done. i got into teaching right from the beginning of the year and stuck to it til the end and look where i am now, i'm financially independent. i joined a professional dance group which has been my dream since i was still in primary school, and now, ive performed in close to 10 professional shows and even get paid for them. i got my A level results, applied for uni and managed to get in, and now, i'm well on my way to getting myself a degree. ive met so many people during the course of working, dancing and schooling and ive made wonderful friends, and perhaps some not so good ones, but who have all made a difference in my life in one way or another. i had some rough time with one of my bestest friends at the beginning of the year and i regret anything ive done that might have hurt her, but at the same time i'm glad it happened because it's taught me some valuable lessons about friendship, and ive come out a more matured person. i kind of fell in love this year as well and got my heart broken. it was a bittersweet experience, one that i would want to forget but also at the same time remember every moment of it for the rest of my life.

A lot of things happened to me this year, and as i was thinking this in my head i realised one thing, that it's all been about me. i did this, i did that. this happened to me and it's made me all depressed. oh i'm soproud of myself for having achieved that, yay for me. and while i've ben busy doing things for myself, i feel like ive neglected my family the most this year and feeling that they're of less importance than anything else. i know ive also neglected some friends. and i have also neglected God. ive basically been self-centred and i was only thinking about my own happiness. yes ive become more independent and made something of myself. but now it's time to be less selfish.

so, new year's resolution. abt a week ago i told a friend that my new year's resolution was to find a peace of mind, be happier and be more confident of myself. again, all me me me. but i am still sticking to those words, and try to fulfil them by putting others before myself this time, being a better daughter to my parents, being a better sister to my brother, being a better friend, and being closer to God. to be realistic, that's a lot to aim for and i'll consider myself lucky if i manage to fulfil half of it, but i'm going to try my best and hopefully next year i'll come out a better person.

2007 was a BLAST. but here's to a better year ahead.

happy new year y'all.

fazli's brithdayyy

2007-12-13T02:04:00.000+08:00

you really find joy in the simplest things in life.

first and foremostly, happy birthday again to darling fazli who just turned 20! (you oldie you...damn it i'm soon...). the most important guy in my life right now, hahaha. so went to do some celebrating yesterday, fyda, birthday boy and myself and well what can i say, it's definitely no match for filzah's birthday surprises (she's like the mega mastermind ;p)...but it was nice in all it's pathetic-ness. hahas. pictures say a thousand words so i shant say more and let these gorgeoussss photos do all the talking.

BIRTHDAY BOYYYY... =D

FOOD FOOD...glorious fooooood....

birthday brownie...which

was UBER yummay courtesy of yours truly the fabulous MOI...haha!

so obviously the girls got a little carried away with the camwhoring...fazli felt a little left out...

aaah yes, that's more like it. ;)

and we're all happy.

good things come in threes. it's true.

spiffy

2007-12-07T00:46:00.000+08:00

EXAMS ARE OVERRRR!

omg i cannot imagine having to go through this every 6months...God help me please. but whatever it is...now, after a whole friggin' year of work and school, i finally, FINALLY get to take a break. let's not talk abt dance. that's a never ending cycle. for now though...let's bring out the spiffy (my new favourite word)...

girls just wana have funnnn....

melly and i feeling in cold country hor mel...hahaha. love that girl. =)

toodles.

non-survivor

2007-11-30T19:41:00.000+08:00

i am sitting in my room in the dark now while waiting for my parents to come home and settle the problem of this power shortage in my house. apparently the power got cut coz the PUB bill hasnt been paid. seriously, cutting our power without any notification? i am going to be melodramatic here and say that this is a violation of our rights! electricity is a necessity and to take it away coz we havent paid our bills AND without notifying us is just outrightly heartless. i mean it's not like we can run away from paying our bills, we're just delaying it coz not everyone is born with a silver spoon in their mouths you know, people do have problems. so anyway the first thing i did when i got home and realised i couldnt switch anything on was to call my mum and whined and complained. haha wow zu, very brave and commendable. now i know for sure that if i were to join survivor i will not make it...in fact i wouldnt even qualify to be a survivor contestant in the first place...the producers would probably take a look at my reaction to this situation and laugh.

on a sadder note, the mother of an old classmate of mine just passed away. my condolences to her and her family. i hope they'll cope and do fine. but wow, to lose a parent...i really need to wake up and appreciate my parents more coz it's no longer the age where i hear of friends losing their grandparents...friends are losing parents, and friends are getting married and having kids. i'm really no longer a kid anymore. it's sad if you think about it really. we're all growing up so fast, too fast. some of us have to deal with tragedies and situations before we're really even ready to face them. but really what's important is if we all have a good support system or another, whether it's friends or family. we need somebody to catch us when we fall. i think the worst feeling in the world is loneliness, feeling like there's nobody for you to turn to for a hug or a shoulder to cry on.

ah well. that's life. i'm grateful that i at least have a loving family and wonderful dependable friends. i hope none of them will leave me anytime soon.

okay i should probably go study for ms now. i really cannot wait for next wednesday...exams over and it'll be time to partaaayyyy...

"But as tough as wanting as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who dont know what they want." - Grey's Anatomy.

ASEAN summit

2007-11-21T15:14:00.000+08:00

the reason why i am blogging now is because i am finding every excuse there is possible to avoid taking my notes out of my bag to study.

sitting in central library now ALONE. sad yes, i know. ah well this is how uni life has turned out to be. gone are the days when you see your friends and classmates around in school everyday. now, if i'm lucky i just might bump into some friend or acquaintance ive made in these past few months.

anyway yesterday i performed for ASEAN Summit 2007 at Swiss Hotel. it was supposed to be exciting and crazy and a once in a lifetime experience for me but i just couldnt enjoy it as much as i should because it just had to come at the most inappropriate time. when my exams are next week and i was supposed to be mugging, i was at rehearsals, which might i add, were a total waste of time because i was only involved in one item that barely lasted 5 mins and we hardly rehearsed for that one. i mean i was grateful to be involved in only that item because i wanted to concentrate on studying but i ended up having to go for all the rehearsals which made no difference for me in the end. aaand i just HAD to screw up my steps during the performance...such a simple item of mostly posing and i could still get it wrong, fantastic. but oh well it wasnt so bad in the end. i managed to catch a few close up glimpses of taufik as he passed through the girls' changing room, and i got to watch some really great performances last night. and yeah, who wouldnt want to be part of such a prestigous event right...aside from the above complaints, i am thankful.

i'm wondering whether i should go to tanjong pinang with the other dancers end of this year. i want to but there's that issue of whether my parents would allow it and of course money money money. which reminds me...NANI, i really hope our project ZnP works out okay. it has to. it's the one thing i'm living for right now seriously. we need some major excitement after such a draining semester, plus, we are so IN we need this kick-ass project to prove it. =)

okay zu stop PROCRASTINATING and GO STUDYYYY!

embarrassed to no end

2007-11-07T00:58:00.001+08:00

omg zu take a chill pill can. God did i really come across as being over eager...this is so freaking embarrassing really. OMG OMG OMG. ugh so frustrated with myself. i can be such an idiot sometimes. i think people would probably be laughing at my silliness. omg so malu...ugh...

okay less depressing entries soon.

dont worry about me. i'm not all emo shit. it's only that time of the month. haha.

not meant to be

2007-11-03T14:16:00.000+08:00

it came. it happened. it went.

didnt take long for me to get my answer. i guess i wasnt special enough to hold on to.

oh well. cnt think of anything else to say except, ouch.

rollercoaster ride

2007-11-01T13:13:00.000+08:00

i dont really know what to think or feel already. everytime i find happiness something just comes in the way. the first time i admit was my own fault and doing, but this time it's something else, something that i cannot get involved in because it's not my business and because i dont have a history, i'm just the one getting in the way, the third party. all i can do is wait here anxiously hoping the end result will go in favour of me. but what if it doesnt...i wonder what they're saying abt me, if they're saying anything...

i havent danced in a while. maybe i should go and let lose. it'll be the only thing that'll keep me sane and give me peace of mind amidst all this confusion.

raya update

2007-10-14T11:16:00.000+08:00

i never realised how much i missed my family and relatives until yesterday. to spend a whole day with my family and to see my cousins and aunties and uncles again after so long was really what made yesterday a special day. i especially missed my nyai. i feel so bad for not visiting her since school started and really i'm starting to think that "busy" is just not an excuse. this year, our roles were reversed. instead of her giving me duit raya i was the one who gave her and it made me feel really good to put a smile on her face. she knew that i cared and she didnt have to say it, her smile told me everything. i miss lying on her flabby tummy! she's my rollie pollie. ;)

i wore green this year and it seems that everyone else seem to have picked green as their colour for this year's raya as well. aside from my cousins, i saw at least 5 families on the road wearing green. i felt so un-unique. but it's okay. i was gorgeous nonetheless...hahaha NOT!

there was only one thing i regretted yesterday. and that was eating too much! there was just sooo much good food that i could not resist! i didnt even touch the kuihs. and now i have to nurse an aching tummy. but it's all goooood. ah wel, this year was simple, but nice and cosy.

and with that, i wana say...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI EVERYONE!

7hr conversations are love. =)

selamat hari raya

2007-10-12T22:39:00.000+08:00

YAY YAY BESOK RAYA!

zu's a happy girl today. =D

borrrreeed

2007-10-11T10:32:00.000+08:00

on nadia's advice i have decided to blog.

i am bored. i know i shouldnt be. i should be listening intently to dr. pellerin's lecture but it's really really boring. no offence to him but really, i mean he's talking about structures and types of government. nothing much that gets more boring than that.

i have to say im quite excited about pementasan next year. dont think im going to audition for anything but im doing props with sufie and i hope it's going to be fun fun fun. im extremely worried about the workload, on top of the busy schedule that i already have. but i wana do something fun in school as well. it really sucks floating around school with no other purpose except for going for lectures, attending tutorials and finishing up assignments. i just hope i dont get involved in too many things i cannot handle.

raya coming! dont know why im slightly more excited about raya this year. perhaps last year was a sad raya for my family. cant believe it's already been a year since my uncle died. okay not exactly a year but almost. makes me wonder really whether ive done enough in my life to say that ive really lived it. anyways on a lighter note, it feels weird not baking anything this year since ive been so busy. just doesnt feel the same. not to mention raya's in two days and my house looks like it has suffered a devastating earthquake. or rather what my mum likes to call it, "macam tongkang pecah". im not being much help i have to admit haha but ive been busyyy!

okay then this marks the end to another pointless boring entry. off to yet another project meeting. and they said arts was slack. riiiight.

update time!

2007-10-06T23:51:00.000+08:00

(okay this was supposed to be yesterday's post but i am embarrassed to say that i fell asleep while i was updating yesterday. heh.)

quote of the day: the government allocated geylang serai to the malays...NOT! - aizat

hahahaha. okay update time after eons of silence from moi. just got back from a rather trying day out. our bazaar ramadhan outing for non-muslim and intenational muslim students took place today at the ever crowded geylang bazaar. it was a success even though the turnout was quite discouraging. two thumbs up to the bazaar comm for doing the best we could under the circumstances. i'm so glad it's OVERRRR. i wish i could have joined the participants in their amazing race around the bazaar but i came too late. i had fun nonetheless. =D

it's been a hectic few weeks with preps for this bazaar outing and project meetings after project meetings. and of top of that there's work and dance. sigh. i really need to lear to organise my time better or else i'm really screwed. my fault i guess for wanting to be involved with school and dance and work at the same time. i'm not doing good to my body and my mind, not to mention the ever worsening eye bags and dark circles under my eyes. i wish i could just do everything at the snap of my fingers. i'll be able to do greater things and still have all the time in the world to sit back and chill. if only life were that simple.

ramadhan is passing by so quickly it's really amazing. it felt like only recently we started fasting and now hari raya is just around the corner. can i stop time please? it's going too fast for me. time waits for no man. but i'm not a man! i'm a girl. time needs to wait for me. was that a bimbo thing to say? whatever lah. i need a break.

cramping like hell right now. once a month it sucks being a girl.

recess week couldnt come at a better time

2007-09-19T06:20:00.000+08:00

i dnt know how people can say that uni life is a lot easier than A levels. i'm so overwhelmed with unread lecture and tutorial readings and the pile increases twofold by the day. and this is not even exam time yet. not to mention i'm still working. in fact i have bukit timah and greenridge later and usually i'd need 2 full bottles of water to get me through the day. let's see how i manage without a sip today.

went to social night on monday. it was really boring. really. army must have sucked all the fun out of guys coz the event was so uninteresting and yet most of them seemed like they were having fun. then there was the emcee who had quite a charming look but that's as far as it goes. he was barely audible from where i was sitting and he made the lucky draw seem like a funeral procession. okay i'm exaggerating but you get my point. and a lot of the girls looked like they were going for prom with their nice dresses and makeup and hair. i was one out of only 2 who wore pants and in fact i wore jeans so you can imagine how out of place i was. but whatever the theme was hollywood for heaven's sake. i thought i was appropriately dressed. =)

oh dance reflections was a pleasant surprise. i went with quite low expectations so was rather impress with the individual dances, especially the nus dance ensemble. WOW. their dance was a little off theme wise but execution wise, they were fantastic. i was so captivated and their costume was gorgeous! omg i wish i could dance like that.

hmm a few things i can look forward to...JBJ play, theatre practical, MS bazaar, RAYA...i just hope i can organise myself before my brain explodes.

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY NADIAAAA!!!!! =D

update!

2007-09-06T00:23:00.000+08:00

hello. nadia's been bugging me to update so here i am.

let's see now...i'm well into the 1st semester of school. it's been okay. ive found a few cool friends to hang out with. i guess these past few weeks ive learnt to be independent and you know tebalkan muka and say hi to random people in tutorials.it's the only wayto survive unless i want to float around school alone for the next three years of my life. social life aside,tutorials have been rather slack so far. not looking forward to projects and term papers. scaring the shit out of me. i have to say i'm thinking i made a mistake taking some of my modules even though they are all very interesting...they're not necessarily easy to score in...what's important now is how well we do right not whether we enjoy what we're doing or not...

oh well watched hairspray today! it was a late movie which explains whyi'm spending the night at nadia's tonight. anyway hairspray was FANTASTIC. LOVED IT! the songs are extremely catchy and yeah...just one of those few feel good movies that are worth your money. i felt lightheaded after watching the movie. and i really have to admit. zac efron is cute.

singaPOPera just ended last weekend. photos i'll upload next post. but just a brief comment, it was reallyan experience for me. first show with rather big names.even though i only danced forone item, it made me feel like i was really a professional dancer. not that i think that of myself now, i have a LOOONG way to go.but it was definitely a confidence booster and an experience i would definitely cherish.

oh i have to share this dream i had last night. i dreamt i was on my way home from school,i boarded an extremely packed mrt and had no choice but to stand in front of two nasty-looking indian men.they were blatantly staring at me and giving me suggestive looks that scared me to death and suddenly they approached me and just started touching me and trying to grope me. they were extremely strong and i tried to push them away but i couldnt.the scary thing was nobody helped me even when i screamed my lungs out and begged for help. i woke up with and overwhelming feeling of loneliness whichis bothering me even up til now...

hmm.

school

2007-08-17T09:12:00.000+08:00

first week of school wasnt so bad...rather lonely i have to admit, going for lectures alone and stuff. but i guess once i make friends at tutorial things will get better. ended up not being able to do some of my first choice modules but i think i got quite a good deal. i am uber excited for TS tutorials and practicals. it's going to be so much fun.

there are quite a few things that i can be looking forward to now: school, soundwaves, enchanted tales, puasa =D

balloting for tutorials now...pray i get the ones i want.

there's always something

2007-08-12T23:10:00.000+08:00

so today i made my p4 class do a debate and they chose a topic relating to killing animals for human benefits. so the team that was for the motion brought up a point that, we should just kill animals for our consumption and take their skin and fur to make warm clothings and nice handbags for us because it would make our lives better. what's the point of letting ourselves suffer leading a less luxurious life while the animals get to roam around freely and, being the less intelligent species as compared to us high and mighty humans, do not have the capacity to appreciate what they have anyway?

kids nowadays huh, so sweet and innocent.

then there was the hilarious sight of me teaching my mum some hip-hop steps while i myself cannot dance hip-hop for nuts. so you see these two strange women moving their body about in the most weirdest ways possible in our living room (i know, thank god for that...) while encouraging each other with "yes yes that's right! you're getting there!". let me just apologise to the students of woodlands sec sch in advance. you guys are in for a REAL TREAT this aces day. have fun. hahaha.

school starts tomorrow. i'm excited i guess. who wouldnt be...i hope things will be good. i do not want to spend the rest of my three or four years wishing i had the financial means to study overseas. how i do wish actually...but i guess you cant have everything.

bidding nightmare

2007-08-07T09:59:00.001+08:00

yesterday nadia and i were happily foregoing our freshman inaugration for a much needed ice-cream dessert and we were just thinking that...we never thought we would come this far. we dreamt of studying all the way up to uni when we were younger but it sort of remained as a vague distant dream rather than something that would definitely become a reality. but here we are now, going into our first semester, choosing our modules and making the final few but definitely the most crucial decisions with regards to our education.

speaking of which, bidding is a bitch with a capital B! it's sucha cut-throat system. and i'm starting to think i made the mistake of not bidding for 4 exposure modules the last round. at least i was protected by the fact that i'm a freshman. this current round is a nightmare! there's this module on religion that i really really want but it's so bloody expensive. :( *shuts eyes and prays hard* i hope hope hope i can get it.

that aside, did a bit of shopping with nadia and yati yesterday and went to highlight my hair, FINALLY. i dont know whether i really really like it but it's okay i guess...not too bad...my mum says i look more malay god knows why. probably just the fact that i now have coloured hair makes me look like a minah? nah. i think i have more class. haha.

toodles for now.

NADIA

2007-07-31T01:30:00.000+08:00

okay i need to make this a quick one coz i have to go to bed soon if i'm planning to begin my day early tomorrow.

I LOVE NADIA.

i had loads of fun today with that bugger. met her to go for matriculation today. i felt bad coz it was quite useless for her to have gone just now since the NUS idiots seem to think it really smart to only allow students to go for the fair only if they've received their matric card. so she ended up waiting for me the whole time. but i guess we were quite happy to have had ramli burger for lunch. and met up with nani for a short while before going to town with one mission in mind...SHOPPING!

i was supposed to be shopping for fazli's birthday presents but umm obviously i got distracted by my own shopping which btw, we tried on many clothes and shoes but ended up not buying any. honestly we didnt do justice to the word "shopping" today. paris hilton would have been appalled to hear it. dont know why nadia's suddenly interested in getting heels. every shoe shop we passed she would point out a pair of sexy heels. haha. actly you know what...it's true, you are getting more girly. hahaha YESSAR.

anw we ended up only getting perfume for ourselves which made us quite satisfied in the end i think. OH and to end off the day, we watched "alone" and got ourselves laughed at by the whole cinema for screaming so loudly. esp nadia sad to say. kau pekik buruk seh. but i dnt knw if you noticed the mats behind us were screaming with us at one point. hahaha. macho gilerr.

the best part of the day today was the chatting with her i think. we managed to catch up on so much. i'm glad she's having quite an exciting social life. AHEM. didnt realise how much i miss her til today. yay nad, we must do this more often when we start school.

:) it is the simple things in life that puts a smile on your face at the end of the day.

fyda is LOVE

2007-07-24T21:17:00.000+08:00

you know i've been so caught up with work and dance and whatever else that's happening around me that i feel as if i havent had time for myself. i've hardly had time to dwell in my thoughts like i always used to do, which can sometimes be a good thing because i'd end up being depressed and sobbing. but yeah, it's like by the time i get home i'll be so tired i'd be like a zombie and wash up, go to bed. then i'd have to wake up early the next morning and go through the whole cycle again before i can even digest and reflect on what happened the previous day. it's like i'm going through my days so fast i can hardly catch up with myself.

oh well i'm at fyda's right now! it's been ages since i last saw her and by some sheer coincidence i bumped into her on the mrt on my way back and somehow i ended up in her room. okay that sounds a bit wrong but whatever. i miss her a lot and now we're bickering about something. just like how it's always been. met up with poppy rani thuts and sharini last week too and we went so crazy. it makes me so happy to know that even if we havent met each other for eons we can still pick up where we left off and it's as if we've never parted.

reading harry potter book 7 now so exciting!

modelling

2007-07-03T00:46:00.000+08:00

there's been hardly anything to blog about lately besdies the usual mundane or depressing stuff so i shall brighten up my blog a little with some photos! yay! blogger has been kind to me tonight. uploading these pics was a breeze than god. anyway yeah had a modelling gig last friday with some of the PA members. we basically had to model some costumes for wearhouse. we were paid $50 and considering the little amount of work we had to do to earn it (seriously it was just strutting around on stage for less than 5 mins...) it was worth it. i had tons of fun coz the company was great, although the dressing up was HUGE chore for me coz everything was rushed and my hair-do was HEAVY. kudos to bada for the very quickly put together hairstyle i was stuck with for the day which turned out to be quite okay despite his rush. i remember he attacked my head with a whole lot of hair clips and almost half a bottle of hairspray and topped it all off with 4 sangguls that weighed A TON. ph well all in the day's work i guess. haha.

here's me with the gorgeous kak noni. she really looks like a korean girl here. so jealous i got stuck with the typical javanese costume!

there you have Sir Raimie in his Olden English costume. i dont think he's WHITE enough to carry that costume well. haha. he still looks so Melayu. tak boleh lari lah babe.

sir stamford raffles? NOT! haha.

that's bada in his thai costume. he looks so cute here but see him on the runway...a true model. haha cheh wah.

here's one with kak noni and some other girl who's name i didnt catch (SORRY!)...she has impossible to walk in footwear...made me thankful i had my pair of broken indonesian slippers, even if mine looked like it was about to eat the floor whenever i walked...

oooh this chinese dancer totally embodied the jap girl look. classic i tell you. she looked great.

and here we have our English couple...apparently the girl's breath stinks...hehe...so much for looking clean and proper....

and we have our most amusing japanese couple. totally in character...

and what do we have here? a rather odd couple i must say. CUTE LAH SANGAT!

and of course, the highlight of the day had to be the one and only...

Javanese couple... =) gorgeous arent we? HAHA.

this was when we first met...you know...shy...not sure what to do...but we moved fast...and learnt secrets about each other...

...oooooh SCANDALOUS!

then asri tries to take things to another level...i tried to stop him. i wasnt ready...

but....oh well, i couldnt resist. OOPS!

someone's CELEBRATING...this must be the morning after...

but jap boy wasnt too happy that someone touched his special sword...as for raimie being there, well, everyone wants a piece of him.

while the boys fought, i took the opportunity to take a few shots of myself alone...

but the best one of me has to be this one raimie took secretly while he was supposed to take a photo of me and asri...haha poor asri, he was posing so keenly thinking he was modelling for the camera...

that's about it...not many interesting photos. would have had many more if my phone didnt lag so much. anyway, more photos at asri's blog if you guys wana go take a look.

if not, til next time...ciaos.

niakmath!

2007-06-17T02:08:00.000+08:00

today there was Rewang 'Nak Tari practice at eunos cc with musicians and stuff. had to go in place of shasha but thankfully she turned up and spared me the embarrassment of making a fool out of myself. i've been deemed slow and i get what my problem is but i dont know how to correct it. when i dance i feel as if my reaction time is fine but it seems that people see otherwise. it's quite frustrating because i'm trying my best. cant seem to be particularly good at anything at all.

on a lighter note today proved to be quite a fun day. after practice at eunos cc we went to have dinner at a nearby shop called "Niakmath" which totally cracked me and asri up coz of the way i pronounced it..you know in the kind of thick arabic accent. i'm sucha retard sometimes. went on then to play bowling. we had a little competition between ourselves. i pitied the team i was in coz i so sucked!(told you i'm not good at anything...) seriously i was never this horrible when i went bowling before. not that i know exactly how to bowl a ball but i could at least manage to aim straight and not always longkang-ing. but abg anuar took the liberty of coaching me and i improved a little after that. kudos to abg ain, abg anuar and abg arif for being the highest scorers and leading our team to victory despite my unimpressive score!

managed to get a quick bite after that before cabbing home and so here i am now. honestly i think "procrastinator" should be my middle name coz i'm out every day til late at night doing mindless things actually while i know i have things to prepare for my classes next week. perhaps at the back of my mind i'm being complacent and thinking i can manage to teach a grp of P4s for five days without preparing much. i'll so be kicking myself in the butt if there were some smart ass in my class who'll ask me some random question that i would be unable to explain.

speaking of work, my money from acropolis has come in but my mum has taken more than half of it again to pay bills. not that i dont want to help or anything. i do want to help my parents cope with our financial situation but at the same time it's furstrating because it's a lot of money she's borrowing and she hasnt replaced a single cent yet. i mean the money i earn is not only for me to spend for myself but i wana save for my future plans to travel. i knw it sounds selfish but at the same time, aside from food at home i depend solely on myself finacially i dont ask a single cent from them anymore not to pay my bills not to top up my ez-link card not to buy anything. but i guess now is not the right time to be thinking about myself.

oh well i just hope things will get better soon.

new template...

2007-06-13T01:00:00.000+08:00

okay there better not be any more problems with my blog anymore...it's sucha pain changing templates really...

omg so nani and i were just discussing a trip to KL in july just before school starts...i really hope it will happen i so so wana go somewhere before i'm doomed to hit the books again for another few years. okay so a trip to KL isnt exactly what i had in mind when i dreamt of travelling the world but it's a start...plus if i could do some shopping before school starts it'll be great. sigh...i hope i hope i hope! oooh i should draw up a list.

the things I THINK i need (or rather i want...) to get before school starts:
- a good pair of pumps or sandals...or both
- a jacket/sweater
- a few more t-shirts/casual tops
- a new pencil case and stationery (stationery shopping is LOVE...poppy come back soon so we can go!)
- a notebook...
- a new hair-do!

sigh i dont know why i think of shopping at the times why i have the least means to do so...plus i can be super impulsive when i go shopping alone...this i have just realised. i must always have another person's opinion, usually to tell me that it's not worth it and that i can get a better deal or spend the money better elsewhere, because honestly i am hopeless when it comes to these things and i'll get sudden uncontrollable urges to just make a purchase without thinking twice. and my biggest weakness...SHOES. omg someone has to keep me away from charles & kieth before i buy out the whole shop. i ADORE the shoes there.

oh well.

it's hard letting it go

2007-06-10T22:48:00.000+08:00

perhaps i'm being overly sensitive, or maybe self-indulgent. but i think it's pretty clear. i'm not in the picture anymore. whether i was pushed out, or whether i walked out myself, that's up to every individual's interpretation of the situation. everything's cool on the surface, but yeah, who the fuck are we kidding...look deeper and you'll find that things are far from okay. maybe it's what's best. or not. it's partly my fault. but i'm tired of being misunderstood.

i need to be patient. more importantly i need to learn to be tough and not let small things get to me, break me down. please God, give me strength.

dial-up sucks

2007-06-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

it's been a super long while and all coz of losing my internet. now i'm stuck with dial-up which sucks big time but what to do...

honestly i had no mood to blog anyway during the month i was without the internet. life's been the same. recently had the S7 GEM camp under acropolis and it was a blast bringing the kids around and getting them all fired up and enthusiastic. my p3 group won which was great coz they're sucha an intelligent and lively bunch it's unbelievable really. GO EAGLES WHOOO!

i think a lot of people have been taking my patience for granted lately, both friends and family. and this has been making me more and more impatient. and every time i feel the need to blow up and make a fuss about something i think twice because it's not in my character and people would just think i've changed. and the last time i checked, when zu changes, she drives some of her friends away. people say to me it's not good to keep things to yourself but when i show i'm pissed off people say they dont like it...so yeah, tell me, what do i do then?

mummy it's over!

2007-05-07T01:09:00.000+08:00

a bit late for this post i knw but blogger's been a bitch.

concert came and went just like that. despite all the uncertainties and depressing moments we had i had loads of fun yesterday and i was proud to have been part of such a special event. sadly i didnt get to take many photos, in fact i hardly took any. dnt think it matters since i played a rather small role but anw here are a few.

nani and i camwhoring while waiting during our free time...we had loads of free time...PLENTY

vogue no? heh. right.

my husband for the day.

courtesy of kak intan:

kak intan trying out her new camera phone...we were more than happy to assist... ;)

(left to right) kak intan, ina and myself...

courtesy of nani:

happy times. :D

so that's it for concert. life's quite slow moving and mundane now.

uni application wise, let's just say currently i'm thankful but i am so praying hard to get a letter by this week. please God, if you want to punish me for my sins be my guest, but please not my education. let me get THE letter!

i am thankful to have an auntie like my bibik. why? for my birthday she treated me to an extravagant lunch and bought me a pair of zara jeans. yesterday we went out to celebrate my cousin's birthday and she treated all of us to high tea at the royal plaza on scotts, and bought each of us something from topman/topshop. haha i must sound super materialistic here but hey, it's rude to turn down gifts right? :P

okie doks off to watch ugly betty ep 20 and gilmore girls ep 21. logan wants to marry rory! sungguh romantic!

killing time

2007-04-24T11:52:00.000+08:00

ooh cant wait for kak wir to bring victoria secrets splash back for me and those who oredered frm her. i cant believe they're only 10 bucks. i bought 3 bottles, me being a typical singaporean but i'm glad to knw i'm not that bad.

i've realised some things about myself. actly i've realised quite a long time ago but i'm only really admitting it now. i'm a big whiner. i complain abt a lot of things. i complain abt work, i complain abt dance, i complain abt my parents, i complain abt some of my friends, i complain abt complaining. and the people who have to put up with these petty complaints of mine are my poor friends namely fazli and nani, and sometimes rani and sharini. sorry guys if i annoy the shit out of you sometimes. it's a habit i'm comig to terms with now and i'm going to try to stop.

another thing is that i'm not independent. i hate being alone no matter where i am. for example now, i'm sitting alone in the staff room and i hate it, i need to be ard somebody, talk to somebody. i dnt like going anywhere alone and doing things alone. in fact i sometimes get nervous when i have to do things alone. this problem however i am slowly but surely correcting. i'm learning not to be sucha wuss now and do things on my own because i cant always have friends ard all the time to keep me company now that everyone is busy with their own lives. it's ironic though when my parents want to accompany me somewhere or offer to help me with something i'd refuse and would rather do it alone. i think with my parents i'm more of wanting to prove to them that i'm very capable of takig care of myself.

ah yes and one more thing is that i can never say no to somebody, be it a close friend or a new acquaintance. in other words, i'm a people pleaser. sometimes i dnt even like doing the things people ask me to do, or i dont have the time to do it, but i do it anyway. then i start complaining. i was watching pepper dennis on channel 5 just the other day and Kathy's desire to please people makes her just somebody's doormat. i dnt knw, i just dnt have the heart to say no. i need to toughen up. yes, i'm a big wuss. i need to shed all this self-conciousness and be bold enough to say no when the circumstances in which i'm in doesnt suit me doing favours for people. i dont want to be a doormat.

kacip emas dulang permata

2007-04-20T15:07:00.000+08:00

wow i cnt believe the concert is next friday. my techniques are like far frm perfect it's making me rather nervous. it's like when i was still just learning the steps i secretly wished i'd be chosen to dance in at least 1 item but now that i'm dancing i feel like i shouldnt be coz i'm just spoiling the image of era. maybe i'm being too self-concious or paranoid but everytime i step into pa i wonder what the seniors, namely the girls, are thinking about me...i imagine thoughts like "does she really think she can dance?" or "omg i cant believe we have to put up with this kinda shit..." going through their minds. which i guess shouldnt be put against them coz i mean it is their concert and they'd want it to be perfect and flawless which is frankly far frm what the juniors, or rather i am giving them.

sighs...oh well i guess i shouldnt be complaining right. i've been given this opportunity i have to at least try my best and give my 110%.

work has been great. the best thing abt it now is that i work lesser hrs and i still earn almost the same every month if i were to do relief teaching. i was hoping to get more assignments frm acropolis but i'm quite happy with just teaching at bukit timah at the moment coz frankly...kids are cute but dealing with them too often will shorten my lifespan. i went to relief a drama cls at st.andrew's junior today and the kids are soooo cute! omg they are such smartie pants...one boy was so blatant in telling "miss zee it's getting boring. we should play a game." like who's the teacher here? haha but they are such darlings. as energetic as they were i had a less difficult time handling them as compared to my bukit timah kids even though they're all boys. i have 2 tuition jobs, or rather 3 if i consider the 2 siblings as 2 separate jobs. and i'm going to relief at admiralty (again...) for the next 2 weeks so i foresee a sizable increase in my monthly income for the next few months to come. YAYY for having a job. :D

i just realised my past few entries have mostly been about work and dance. a thousand apologies to friends who come by to read and find it sucha bore but yeah...my life has been pretty much work and dance lately. i hardly even have time for family anymore. honestly i miss my dad a lot. even though we live under the same roof it's like i havent seen him in the longest time, coz he leaves for work before i'm up and he'll be sleeping before i'm back home. my parents dnt really say much abt our problems they try to put up a positive front and go about life as if nothing is tying them down but yeah i knw what's going on and it worries me. i guess there's nothing much i can do abt it except help my mum in anyway i can in terms of housework now that cici is not around anymore (i miss her tons!), not that it's any easy considering i really think my mum suffers frm OCD and she's impossible to please! i think very soon i have to contribute financially. or perhaps take up the responsibility of saving up for my future education so at elast that's one less burden they have to carry on their shoulders.

on a lighter note...i miss poppy! it's like i suddenly dnt receive that many testimonials and comments on friendster anymore(pathetic yes...) and it's so quiet and uneventful without her...poppy wherever you are i hope you're well and having the time of your life. hope to see you back soon and dnt forget to bring home hot aussies! :D

updates

2007-04-06T12:16:00.000+08:00

havent found any inspiration to blog lately. life's been pretty much a cycle mostly revolving around work and dance.

latest excitement was watching PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! omg the sets were breathtaking, not that i could see the full splendour of it coz i had the balcony seat which was realy at the side of the stage. it didnt help that the stage was so deep and i could only see a quater of it. fun thing was that fazli and i got the balcony all to ourselves and he could do all the singing-along he wanted. omg how i wish i had the money to buy VIP tix and go watch it again! i should have known better and just invested on a more expensive ticket coz it is so so worth it.

dance has been okay. mostly do the same thing everytime i go and that is practise for inang lenggok. i never seem to get my techniques right. just hope i dont ruin the whole dance for everybody during the actual day.

my last day (AGAIN) at admiralty was yesterday. kinda happy to have the break, though i am so in need of the money. it was fun sitting in the hod room no matter how lonely it got sometimes. like you really see the other side of the teachers you once thought were a bore and did not have any sense of humour whatsoever. like yday diana goh and shirley wee were discussing about men and image and loving men in uniform, they sounded like teenage girls just going through puberty, and mr ong was so hilarious making fun of himself and his shall we say, chubbiness. hahaha. i'm gonna miss them. more so than my kids i think surprisingly.

social life has been the usual. herrick's really helping me find guys in his camp. sucha darling. i miss fyda and i miss my 05A3 bitches. candice is flying off on monday i'm gonna miss that cuckoo. she brought me ice-skating (my first time) the other day for my birthday, rather late i have to say but one of the best days i've had lately i have to say. poppy never fails to make my days brighter. i miss going out with bestie. this thing between us bothers me to no end but i dnt knw what to do abt it.

oh well.

life's been just that

2007-03-21T19:39:00.000+08:00

i realise there's something wrong with my tagboard but i honestly cant be bothered to do anything about it now.

life's been passing by in a blur. it took quite a lot for me to get out of bed on monday morning at 6 to get ready for school after like 3 weeks of sleeping in til past 12. but school's been great so far. i felt rather lost being unemployed. having a job makes me feel a little more focused and i feel like i have a direction, towards what i honestly dont know but yeah...and my timetable is super slack it's unbelievable. i didnt knw HOD timetable was so slack, i have an average of 4 periods a day because i only take 2 classes, p5 and p6. there are exceptions like on the days i have to conduct structured programmes or teach HMT but other than that, i'm as free as a bird. then again i havent felt so free these past 2 days coz i've been bombarded by relief teaching duties during my breaks. and sitting in the HOD room can be rather lonely and i dont get to see my cutie teacher so often! but there are definitely the perks.

today was my first day teaching speech & drama at bukit timah primary. or rather they call it public speaking course there but whatever, same difference. aniwaes the kids are super cute! and smart omg no matter what they will always be ready with a smart remark to throw back in your face and thy're only p1s btw. a little hyperactive the boys in my class are but all in all i had quite a lot of fun with them. i have my favourites already. haha. i shared a class with another teacher today, i wonder whether they dont trust me yet with my own class or she was just there just in case i got held up at admiralty or smth. i hope it's the latter coz i do think i proved my worth today. i mean the discipline in my class wasnt the best i admit but i practically conducted the whole session and for a first timer, it wasnt so bad if i can say so myself. haha. next week we meet the p2s. hopefully they'll be more well-behaved. =/

been keeping myself busy with work and dance i guess to keep my mind off things i dont wana really be thinking about. itr helps tiring yourself out and going home to a nice warm bed and waking up in the morning to repeat the whole cycle. sounds boring i know but it's my own little way of surviving and not lose it and go crazy.

birthday week

2007-03-12T23:15:00.000+08:00

my birthday week just passed and i have to say it was quite an eventful one. =)

on monday itself i went out with darling fyda, after so long of not really meeting her. whenever we met it was only briefly so going out with her finally on my birthday was nice. she treated me to pizza hut and we did a little shopping before calling it a day. we were so tired and lazy we actually acted on impulsion and cabbed home despite knowing the cab fare would burn a whole in our pockets.

tuesday rani and and shu fang came down to causeway point to have lunch at swensen's and waffles with ice-cream at gelare with moi. oh i got a bottle of body shop strawberry scented lotion from rani and shu fang got me this really fun book called "the bitch goddess notebook" which supposedly is fitting for me. haha.

wednesday herrick treated me to pizza hut (AGAIN!) and i spent the afternoon reminiscing the days we had in primary school and stuff. it's nice meeting an old friend after so long and not feel any awkwardness. and it helped that he gave me a rose (which i shameless asked for i have to admit...but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do).

the following few days i was busy with preps for gpa which btw went rather well. we only finished choreographing the whole dance on friday night and i went to my on saturday with the jitters but thank god no major screw ups and i THINK the audience enjoyed it somewhat, or maybe thought it was a little weird. but whatever. it's overrr! saturday night was spent watching AZPIRASI's dance performance which i have to say was a little disappointing. i didnt really get the man reciting the sajak and the painters were just taking up too much space on stage and the dance, wasnt so well-executed. or maybe i'm baised haha.

this brings me to the highlight of the week which has got to be yesterday when fazli, fyda, nani, nadia and sharini surprised me with a mini-celebration at the fountain area at millenia walk. i was treated to yummy ice-cream cake with marshmellows and gummy bears in it. and i received my first bouquet of flowers(pathetic i know shut up) and a nice big bag and this purple notebook i really wanted, on top of the pretty shoes nani gave me on thursday. but they made me climb some pillar and shout "I'm spiderman! psst! psst! psst!" which was more than a little embarrassing. we played truth or what (???)and got to know more than we bargained for i think. haha.

nothing grand actually but having the company of my friends was all i needed actually so yes it was a perfect. thanks guys for all the presents and the lovely surprises. love y'all. muacks. :)

D-DAY

2007-03-02T11:42:00.000+08:00

it's finally here. i'm pacing the house. i honestly cant sit still. my heart is racing so fast.

breathe zu, breathe.

bring it on.

biggest mistake

2007-02-28T12:36:00.000+08:00

as much as it hurts i guess i'm glad she told me how she really feels. it was a huge weight lifted off her chest and i'd hate for her to continue pretending and lying to me, all the while getting hurt herself.

maybe she's right, one can never have too many best friends. look where i am now. i cant have one without hurting the other. i hate myself for hurting her that much and not even have realised it. perhaps i took her for granted.

i had a lot of things to say to her, since we were deep into an honest open conversation i wanted to come clean and tell her the times where ive felt hurt and i felt like ive lost my best friend. but i just couldnt. or maybe i didnt want to. i didnt want her to hate me even more or stray further away. actually she's right, i'm the one who strayed. i realise that now but it's too late. i failed to let her know through my actions how much she means to me. perhaps i thought she understood.

it's not that i dont feel comforted around her. i've just grown to needing both around for comfort. saying that i need different things from different people makes me sound like a horrible person. i guess that's who i've become. a lousy person and a lousy best friend.

to her we are merely good friends now. but i cannot see her as anything else except a best friend. despite what she thinks she is still my best friend. you might think i'm being selfish and greedy in wanting both. i guess i was. perhaps i dont deserve either of them. that'll teach me not to neglect people i love.

i have to thank yana for being her shoulder to cry on and for being there for her when she truly needed a friend and i could not be the one because i caused all of this. really yana, thank you.

i'm a dreamer

2007-02-28T00:23:00.000+08:00

chingay update and photos later once ive collected photos frm everyone.

meanwhile...

i did the same personality test nani did and here's what i found out about myself.

apparently i am an ENCOURAGING DREAMER.

i guess the test is quite accurate and it says under things that i can be different about is being bold and take action rather than just dream. it also says while i can be encouraging i can also be judgemental so that's something to think about.

the think that attracted me most though was the percentages. apparently i'm 98% feminine, 0% masculine. haha. but more importantly, my confidence is a measely 8%. i know ive never really been a confident person but whoa, 8% is pathetic. and in fact i think i'm at the peak of my confidence at this point which means that my confidence level was probably zero at one point. those who know me well, what's hindering me? i guess some of you will ask me to reflect on my own and i'll find the answers i'm looking for. honestly if i delve deep enough i know i'll figure it out. but i'm afraid i might not like what i discover.

if for some reason you wish to see more of what my personality is like check my full report here...My Personal Dna Report. you guys should try it out. really makes you reflect.

final moments

2007-02-23T09:47:00.000+08:00

so my last day at admiralty is finally here. actually not really coz i'll be coming back after the march hols to relief for 3 weeks...but yeah it's kinda of sad to be leaving my kids after being with them for 2 months. despite all the screaming and shouting at them, all the rude behaviour that's been thrown in my face, they are generally good kids, they're just playful and childish. but that's how they're supposed to be at that age. so yeah, i'm gonna miss them a lot. those cheeky faces and smiles and comments, those high pitched cries of "CIKGUUUU!"...haha.

omg and i had something small but a tad embarrassing thing happen to me yesterday that involved the cute teacher. sigh thank god i'm leaving but hopefully he'll still be around when i come back in march. i need eye-candy to keep me going! ;)

chingay preview later this evening. i'm excited and dreading it all at the same time. i'm so tired from lack of sleep but it's chingay! so yes i'm psyching myself up. =D

i miss 05A3!

cutie alert!

2007-02-21T08:41:00.000+08:00

omg today is a good day. i walked in to the GO this morning to sign in and i was greeted by the sight of a super cute relief teacher! finally some eye-candy at work. i hope he comes back for the next three days. sigh...

so yesterday was rather fun. went to watch epic movie with fazli. please do not waste your 9 plus bucks on that movie. i should have known better but yeah, dream girls tix were sold out so we settled for this crappy comedy. it was really funny at some parts but overall wasnt that fantastic. after that we went to visit fyda for a while after which we walked all the way to city hall. there was that singapore river hong bao thingy at the esplanade and there were lotsa things going on there including some kinda fun fair. fazli and i were so impulsive we bought 3 tokens each (which cost $15 altogether like wtf why are tokens so freaking expensive now...) and took this ride which looked fun and scary. it's some ride where you stand and you're only protected by a rubber strap in front of you and they spin you round and round at very high speed. i was super scared at first but after a while it got really fun and refreshing to just let our hair down and fly. funness.

chingay this weekend. i'm excited! friends please do come down and watch if you have the time. look out for the float with the sun and the moon and the clouds. that's us! =D

i'm off to to do some marking. oooh cute teacher alert!

ROAR!

2007-02-04T22:34:00.000+08:00

OLE OLE OLE OLE...OLE...OLE...

OMG what a match...not that the lions played fantastically but the amount of stress they gave us during the entire 90 plus minutes was UNBELIEVABLE! seriously the defence line was horrible bin terrible. everyone was practically ball watching and giving possession away as if they were freebies! i was really appalled by the lack of drive the lions showed throughout the game. honestly only amri and noh alam shah seemed to be hungry for the cup while the rest looked like they were ready to come back home empty-handed. of course who better to save the day than darling khairul amri. was arguing with my mum at that point but when i saw the ball hit the back of the net all senses failed me and i just screamed. what a match.

sigh okay now back to mendak-ness. cant wait for chingay for some excitement. i really wonder how we're going to dance in costume. isnt it like physically impossible...we're...no I'M going to look like an idiot.

gpa dance is troubling my delicate brain now...what to do how to do when to do who to do...whatever it is it has to happen and i better try get something together soon...

SINGAPORE CHAMPS! EVERYBODY ROARRR!!!!!

poppy love

2007-02-03T11:47:00.000+08:00

dont laugh okay but candice and i love going groceries shopping together.

it's true. we're not ashamed of it.

cant wait for some poppy love. =D

boo sama dia!

2007-02-01T00:04:00.000+08:00

eventful day.

started off with my kids giving me a super hard time at school i practically screamed at them at the top of my lungs and now i'm losing my voice. i've had enough. no more nice teacher. the moment they open their big mouths its 'off with their heads!'

so i just got back from watching the singapore vs thailand match at kallang. what an anti-climax. the win didnt even feel real. i think everyone left the stadium feeling rather shitty. all because of the lack of sportsmanship from the thai national team. bunch of sissies. seriously, whether you agree or disagree, ref's decision is final. you can curse and swear and spit at the ref for all i care but to protest and boycott? that's bullshit ah. i mean who the hell does that? it's childish. it's ridiculous. it really drained the spirit tonight. but at least we got good seats amongst the good crowd aka loud and uncouthed mats with funny comments amidst all that tapered pants.

my hands are starting to ich real badly again. fuck the people who invented black henna.

visit to granny's tomorrow is a MUST. the big momma has called and made known her unahppiness with regards to the decrease in number of visits to her humble abode recently. my sincere apologies madam.

what am i thinking? i'm thinking....i'm thinking....i'm thinking....

oh shit i'm thinking...

2007-01-30T09:51:00.000+08:00

sigh

hello 2007

2007-01-26T09:38:00.000+08:00

okay so i've finally found the urge and inspiration to resume blogging. it's been forever i know. to those who actually religiously drop by to see whether i've updated (WHY on earth???) sorry i've been MIA but so much has happened and i just cant put everything to words.

let's see...the turn to the new year came and went. since the end of As (major relief you cant possibly imagine...) i've been keeping myself busy with going out with friends and loved ones...and dance. despite the many occasions of feeling so down and demoralised, it wasnt a mistake joining PA. the camp was tiring but i enjoyed it. got to spend a whole four days with my favourite girl in the world, nani and yeah i got a head start in knowing the people who were going to be my mentors in dance for a long time to come. so didnt expect to be performing for chingay but here i am. and i couldnt be happier than to have nani, fazli and nab around for fun and company. the sit-downs with the seniors at imam are always nice but still pretty quiet on the newbies side but things will change with time i guess...yeah i'm doing the thing i love most with the people i love most. couldnt ask for more.

was lucky to land a teaching job for 2 months at admiralty pri. in fact i'm in school now making full use of my break haha. teaching has been okay. my p4s are blood-suckers and my p5s come in a close second but my p3s are mostly angels. handling these kids has been physically and emotionally draining and i know i've been complaining a lot about them but i guess at the end of the day i leave school a happy RICHER girl. haha. but seriously i'm going to miss all of them no matter how devilish they've been. meeting rani for weekly luches after school has been LOVE no surprise there she's always been a darling to me. hopefully after this stint i get calls from other schools because i honestly dont want to do anything else.

so yeah i've been filling my time with loads of things. never thought my life after As would be like this. i did imagine myself doing a lot of bumming around or just simply hanging out with friends every day, which does sound tempting but this is so much better than that.

i've been a relatively contented girl for the past few months...but there's always been this hanging feeling in me, and sometimes a deep sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach. maybe it's the uncertainty of how my future is going to turn out what with the suspense of waiting for the big RESULTS. but somehow i feel there's something else that's making me feel uneasy, and at times miserable. i think i know what it is. i just dont want to even consider the possibilty of it being true.

the ups and downs of being 18 and uncertain. i know it's a little late, but hello 2007.

almost...ALMOST!

2006-09-20T12:09:00.000+08:00

prelims are almost overrrr! i cannot wait for 5pm today when cikgu ibrahim says 'pens down.' i feel like A levels are over already which is not good but what the heck i need a brrrreak!

sometimes i feel like my mum and i, our roles as mother and daughter interchange. obviously she plays mum most of the time but sometimes i find myself playing the mum card. like when she failed her instructor course exam she was telling me she was feeling so depressed (sounds familiar?) about it and i had to come in and console her, tell her that it's not the end of the world and give her study tips. then of course when i say to her 'see it's not so easy isnt it', she'll nag and say 'you dont understand, i havent studied for how so many years already, you're still a student, you should be doing well!'. right okay. and when she was having a problem with work i actually gave her some advice...i guess mothers dont actually have all the answers but how weird is it to be giving advice to your MOTHER.

i need to make a list of what i want to do after As and actually do carry them out. candice, i say our motto from now on should be less talk more action! and less whining!

the devil wears prada

2006-09-07T23:51:00.000+08:00

wow.

handicapped

2006-08-24T12:40:00.000+08:00

my internet is down and it's making me feel quite handicapped. i guess i'm so used to going online every night that now not being able to is making me feel quite awkward.

i havent been getting enough sleep these past few days and it's all contributing to my ever worsening eye bags and dark circles. i look like a walking zombie now. and it's not like i've studied much either. which brings me to the topic of yesterday maths pre-prelim exam. i am so pissed i cannot even begin to explain how. so they made a big deal out of this exam, i was quite annoyed that they had to give us the lecture test and this exam one after the next within two weeks coz they should be letting us have the time to ourselves to study for prelims...but never mind. i studied anyway. and stressed over it. i spent days worrying about not having enough time to study, and about failing yet another maths paper. i endured my cramps and stayed back til 6pm just to sit for it. and what happened? they didnt even collect our freaking papers! ugh! i cant believe i disrupted all my study plans to mug for that piece of shit and they didnt even bother to collect and mark it! i swear i was about to burst into tears when i heard. i've said it to rini and i'll say it again here, it's so freaking unfair. i now have to mug for 10 lit books and i only have 2 weeks to do that. somebody put a bullet through my head now.

take me away on a magic carpet ride...take me far far away...

suffocating

2006-08-15T19:21:00.000+08:00

oh my god the pressure of A levels is boring down on me and i feel so suffocated. people seem to think i've lost all hope in passing maths, including myself. i wish i could just fall into a dreamless sleep for a very long time and wake up only when november ends. i wonder how others can do it, can be so calm and sure of themselves, and produce the results effortlessly.

less talk more action zu.

was watching oprah just now and a family who lost the father to the 9/11 attacks was featured. i really have the fullest respect for people with problems who go up there on national television to talk about it. they voluntarily expose themselves to the world with the intention of seeking help from oprah or to share with the world what they've been through and how others can learn from their situation. especially for those who havent fully dealt with their emotions, going on the show might open up old wounds and they might have to explore new feelings that they never thought they had, exposing their vulnerability and their weaknesses to everyone. i used to think that these people were just hungry for attention but oprah doesnt just call up any tom, dick or harry to feature in her show. these are people with real problems and real emotions, and have a real need to be helped. and for them to go on tv and talk it out and lay their hearts out on the table so that they can try and figure out a way to overcome their obstacles or to dig up old painful memories to share with other people shows that unlike the rest of us, these people take their problems head on, they admit the fact that they have these weaknesses and are not afraid to seek help or solace. i guess ultimately the people who are most honest to themselves come out the happiest and the most fulfilled.

always dreams, never real

2006-08-04T22:47:00.000+08:00

lake house was just okay. nice sweet and romantic but it didnt pull at my heart strings as much as how i expected it to be. maybe i expected too much. expectations...the root of all disappointments.

i had a dream last night that i was giving this really cute guy some attitude because he pissed me off and he apologised to me by going down on one knee and serenading me. SIGH. that will always and forever remain a dream.

debsie

2006-07-31T10:35:00.000+08:00

quite an eventful weekend i had.

stayed at my granny's house on friday. i love spending time there coz my aunt has a huge tv with a great hi-fi set and many many dvds to watch and cable with over a hundred channels and a comfy sofa. and if i'm bored of watching tv i can always use the comp. and the fridge is full of yummay food. and i get to play with gorgeous fat cats. i dont know how cats can grow to be that fat. seriously. one of my aunt's cats can barely walk coz he's so darn fat. isnt that animal abuse? i mean you're feeding the cat to the point you're hindering it's ability to walk properly and jump like normal healthy cats can.

went to support my bro at his school band performance and then made my way to meet samir and we went to support the j1s at the awalah dondang pementasan. it was better than expected actually. very funny and the primary school kids involved were just sooo adorable! i like the idea of many schools collaborating and it wasnt just individual school performances. all their work and effort was woven into one lengthy act which turned out to be quite not bad at all. thumbs up to the j1s for their effort. the girls really looked like guys on stage though. quite scary.

oh those of you who are planning to watch 'lady in the water'...dont. it was quite nonsensical. if you enjoy bedtime stories then maybe you'd like it but even then, not worth your money. thank god it was my aunt who paid for my ticket or else i would have just cried.

debby's in town! after the movie yesterday i met up with fizza, fyda and fazli who were bringing our indonesian friend around town. oh my god i miss that girl and all the rest of the indon peeps, at least most of them anyway. they're such fun people and not to mention rich. haha. i miss sitting in demmy's big clean car, the luxury of having someone drive you around is something anyone can get used to. i'll never forget my experience at jakarta. saya pingin main ke jakarta lagi dong!!!

okay gotta get to work. sigh.

carbarrret!

2006-07-23T22:25:00.000+08:00

cabaret was entertaining. colourful and interesting to watch and i absolutely loved the opening of the 2nd half of the show where we could see the silhouettes of the actors making suggestive movements to portray what happens in the nightclub on the screen and how they played with the colourful lights during that scene...gorgeous. but the whole thing wasnt as WOW as i expected it to be somehow. but for $15 definitely worth it.

i really wana go for forbidden city. i really do. i wish the school would take us. im so sad i missed my chance at anderson. some rich soul out there...would you be kind enough to sponsor me? *flashes most charming smile possible*

aaaah well, back to the routine of school and work.

oh carbaray oh carbaray oh carbarrrrraaaaayyyy!

the dresser

2006-07-16T18:34:00.000+08:00

omg 'the dresser' is a must watch! went to 'the dresser' with the drama club on firday and it was FANTASTIC! i now worship the ground adrian pang walks on because he is such a wonderful and convincing actor. i am in awe really. the way he carried his character...wow. i mean i always knew or heard that he is a great actor but to watch him...he was so into it, from the tip of his hair to the tip of his toes he was the character himself and nobody else. BRILLIANT, ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.

the other actors were good too but i was kinda disappointed in pam oei. maybe i'm wrong but that wasnt her best performance and i expected much better from an actress of such calibre as her. the lit cohort should have been taken to this play instead of cabaret because it would have been more useful to us seeing as how it's based on king lear. it was interesting to see how backstage life at the theatre is depicted, and hw a madman prepares himself to play a character that in actual fact is a reflection of himself. okay this probably is nonsense to you, i'm not very good at reviews and stuff so just go watch it because it's indescribable. you'll have to see it for yourself. ;)

hopeless

2006-07-13T18:16:00.000+08:00

i know i shouldnt but i'm slowly losing hope. i mean what do you do when you work reasonably hard and still get the same horrendous results? gp was a big disappointment. all my confidence in my ability to do languages has gone down the drain. c6 for french AO exam and now bare scraping through a pass for gp? my god how deluded i was thinking i was good in languages. and lets not talk about maths. i really know i'm not a maths person but not being able to pass it is just...it sucks big time.

i hate whining about results and study stress but i cant help it. it's frustrating. it's taking up so much of my energy. sigh but what to do? just gotta suck it all up and mug even harder. after this week i think i'll have to eradicate any form of social life i have for the sake of pulling my grades up. so looking forward to it.

i honestly am at a lost of what to do when i graduate from jc. i used to be positively sure that i would want to do comm studies in NTU but now i have my doubts. i would love to pursue a career in journalism but can i really do it? the competition is tough out there and you'd have to be the best of the best to see even the slightest light of success. i wish i could be more confident of myself and my capabilities but seriously, i dont feel like i have what it truly takes to excel in the field of journalism. so then what do i d? i thought of majoring in english lit at NUS, but is that really what i want to do? what's the job scope like for me with a lit degree? the most obvious career choice is becoming a teacher of course. but omg. i told myself a long time ago that i wouldnt become a teacher. but now it seems as if i'm moving towards that direction. not that it's bad becoming a teacher or anything but i always thought it was a dull mundane job that i didnt really want to go into. of course i could put colour into my teaching...but i dont know. everything in my head is a big confusing blur right now and i just wish i could decide what i want in life and stick to it, not to be faltered by anything or anybody.

somebody tell me what to do.

wow

2006-07-10T19:28:00.000+08:00

omg so the weekend was a BLAST. i'm so glad we went for that little holiday of ours. we had a barbeque, went swimming in our underwear, went cycling, played games, watched the world cup! my bitches, i love you all muchos!

speaking of the world cup...so italy, world champions! honestly i never would have thought. as much as i hated it, i thought germany will claim the title. but i am so so glad to have been proven wrong. i thought cannavaro was excellent. seeing him lift the cup, what can i say...italy truly deserved it. i'm still wondering what made zidane snap. he's the last person anyone would have thought to have done something as stupid as what he did. why do something like that to mark the end of your porfessional football career? i mean wouldnt an ideal 'ending with a bang' be to lift the freakin world cup? really i still cant believe he snapped. seeing him leave the pitch in tears just broke my heart but again...WHY?

followed my dad to the hospital today for some laser eye operation. apparently his eye was bleeding and something needed to be done soon coz he's diabetic so that's not good at all. sid just went for a major eye operation and so did my grandma. it got me thinking about what would happen if god forbid, i were to lose my eye sight? that scares the shit out of me really. i really cant imagine how it'd be like not to be able to see. what's life without the sight of all the beautiful things, all the beautiful people? i guess if i were born blind i wouldnt have known what i was missing so it wouldnt be so bad but i've lived 18 years of my life now living life through my eyes and if such a wonderful thing were to be taken away from i'd be devastated. but then again, it's all god's will and i have no right to argue or protest.

the notebook is such a beautiful love story. and sisterhood of the travelling pants, one of the most wonderful stories of love, friendship and family i have ever watched. sometimes a great movie doesnt have to have wonderful visual effects and what have you. all it has to do is touch your heart. god i've never cried watching any movie like i've cried watching these two. fantastic.

freeeee!!!!!!!

2006-07-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

omg i've never felt so relieved in my entire life! i just had my sastera paper today and i declare exams unofficially over. really couldnt be bothered about P.C paper on thursday. seriously it is pure evil to make us write 5 essays in 3 hours. are you people in the education system mad?! how can you even think of putting us mere mortals through such torture! if no man ever wants to marry me because my fingers are too muscular i will totally blame it on the singapore education system.

i had a nice time with rani today. we met up after my paper and went to eat at suntec before buying ourselves a piece of secret recipe cake each and sitting outside the esplanade to enjoy our desert and whatever view there was. i love talking to rani. i can talk to her about anything and everything and i know she wont judge me and she'll be totally honest with me. i had a pleasant and peaceful day. i actually forgot i had tuition! was so shoecked when my tuition teacher msged me and asked whether i was on my way to the centre. OOPS!

i cant believe candice, rini, yati and i decided that we wanted to go to KL on saturday, and we almost did! well...they almost did. i of course was stupid enough to even think my parents would allow me togo overseas without them. my dad said, and i quote: 'are you crazy?'. oh well it was worth a try. but before that we actually called up all the budget airlines to see whether there was any immediate flights to KL and we even called up rich contacts and asked for help. you should have seen us. we were with candice's 2 sisters so there we were 6 girls frantically making calls to try and get us to KL that very day so that we could go to the kids' choice awards, coz candice's super cool sister could get all of us free passes! but our happiness was shortlived when we found out the only possible way for us to get to KL was by coach which was due to leave only at 10pm. crazy bunch of girls i tell you.

ok you might think i'm crazy but i'm really rooting for jay lim for singapore idol. he's not good-looking or anything but he's not bad and he's quite classy and he has a good voice! plus i think he's quite underrated. i hope he goes far. =D singapore idol sucks big time though. they should just stop holding it after this season because clearly those who audition have hardly any talent and those singaporeans who really can sing never ever want to take part in such loserish competition.

i'm going to watch superman returns tmrw yayy! apparently mr clarke kent is super hot and the movie's really good so yeah quite excited. ;)

okay off to bed. gotta wake up for world cup. forza italia! be prepared to eat your heart out germany.

viva la france

2006-07-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

so as we get closer and closer to the end of the world cup season the one thing etched on the minds of followers of this beautiful game is who will be the two teams fighting for the coveted title of world champions. france was so good against brazil last night hell i think they'll beat the hell out of portugal and become a finalist. i really think that germany has been super solid this season and i've been saying that they'll win it but i'm personally rooting for italy to kick some german ass and make it an italy france final like nani said. so exciting.

you know how in those hollywood movies set in american suburban homes they show kids getting excited over having peanut butter and jelly sandwich snacks? i've always wondered what peanut butter and jelly tasted like and i wonder why i havent tried to satisfy my curiosity earlier because it tastes really good. not mouth-watering delicious but good enough to put a smile on your face til the very last bite. yummay!

i have two papers more to go but i already am in a holiday mood. i dont want to study for sastera please dont make me! there's only one thing that's keeping me motivated and that is the thought that less than a week from now i'll be enjoying a well-deserved (i hope...) party with my lovely bitches (you know who you are...) =D

i miss fyda. babe call me or something you busy woman you.

okay off to watch some tv...AGAIN. i cant believe one can sit through so much trashy cable tv and still want to go back for more. addiction is a dangerous thing.

damn i got tagged!

2006-06-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

Three physical things you like about yourself
1. My eyes, yeah i realise they're quite nice if you disregard the eye bags under them.
2. My hands? they're quite soft, only because i hardly do any housework! ;p
3. honestly there's nothing much i like about myself physically.

Three physical things you dont like about yourself
1. My humongous thighs! they're terrifying.
2. My short stubby crooked fingers.
3. My nose. a tad too big.

Three things that scare you
1. going to hell
2. losing friends
3. drowning...i had one drowning nightmare not too long ago, OMG scared the shit out of me....

Three things that make you happy
1. hanging out with my friends
2. watching episode after episode of gilmore girls (LOGAN!)
3. Dancing

Three of your everyday essentials
1. My handphone
2. My MP3
3. i agree with sharini, contacts very much a necessity

Three things you are wearing right now
1. real madrid shorts
2. plain red baggy t-shirt
3. my red framed specs

Three things you want in a relationship
1. romance
2. humour
3. sensitivity

Three of your favourite bands or artistes
1. MCR
2. siti nurhaliza
3. peterpan

actually those three just came to mind coz i was listening to their songs just now. i dont have ny particular favourites currently although i do love most of siti's songs...her concert in london...one word...WHOA!

Three things you would badly like to do now
1. watch high school musical without any interruptions
2. meet logan huntzberger
3. fast forward to next friday!

Three things about the preferred sex that appeals to you
1. His sensitivity to my feelings
2. His sense of humour
3. His scent...he HAS to smell good

Three ways you are stereotypically a boy
1. the fact that i have a lot of hair?
2. errr
3. i've never thought i could be stereotypically a boy

Three ways you are stereotypically a girl
1. my love for all things purple
2. my 'lembutness'? ok so a lot of people say i'm so lembut and lembik....
3. my absolute love for gilmore girls and logan huntzberger...

Three female celeb crushes
1. i have to agree with rini and say, Eva Longoria, absolutely gorgeous that woman
2. reese witherspoon
3. charlize theron

Three male celebs that make you go weak
1. Johnny Depp
2. Matthew McConnaughey
3. Matt Czuchry...aka logan huntzberger!

Three things you want to do before you die
1. get married and have kids
2. travel the world
3. meet steven gerrard

Three things you would like to change about myself
1. my self-confidence issues
2. The way I get influenced so easily
3. The fact that i'm so lazy

Three people you would like to see take this
1. Nani
2. Nadia
3. Fyda
3. fyda

oral shit

2006-06-30T22:52:00.000+08:00

it's been a while.

mid-years has just been sucking the life out of me. but hey thousands of others are going through the same thing so i shouldnt whine to much.

MLA oral was a DISASTER! god i'm so getting a merit. the examiners just stared at me as i got stumped. so intimidating. SIGH. but i'm glad it's over. actually this afternoon was probably the last time i ever have to struggle to speak in bahasa baku.

i'm praying hard i at least get a an AO pass for maths but fat hope ah. paper 2 was so friggin hard i could have cried. i'm waiting for the day i can actually step out of the examination room after a maths papaer and say 'i nailed it'. it's like waiting for money to grow on trees. i'm being a whiny pessimist. so sue me.

i've been entertaining myself with many many gilmore girls episodes and high school musical. bimbo chick flicks are the best way to relax and even get my spirits high. 'we're soaring...flying...there's not a star in heaven that we cant reach!' see so motivational isnt it not? =D

harapan gemok eh sharini? nah amik kau! ;P

england england

2006-06-16T22:41:00.000+08:00

ok what the hell is up with crediting rooney for the two england goals against trinidad & tobago last night???? hello you do not ever credit a man utd player, especially not bloody rooney, for goals scored by liverpool players...EVER! especially not that fantastically wonderful shot by gerrard. rooney should rot in hell. what the hell is up with england anyway...they always play as if they're leading by 4, 5 goals or something. dudes, wake up. let's not talk about winning the world cup, but you wont get any closer to the prize if you're so afraid of messing your hair up or breaking a nail.

go england go!

today i felt super pathetic because i left my house with no money whatsoever on me. like zilch. and i went to study, with an empty stomach. bad idea. very bad. the best thing was, nani was in the same dilemma. and we met up to study together this afternoon. we hardly studied before i started complaining of hunger and nani joined in and we spent the rest of the day fantasizing about food and money. we kept stealing glances at the cafe counter and on our way home we kept our eyes on the floor for any signs of lost money. sad sight really.

oh she's the man is a funny movie. absolutely hilarious! i always thought amanda bynes was a tad too annoying for my liking but she's really super thick-skinned and she doesnt come across as the typical prim and proper i-must-look-perfectly-gorgeous-all-the friggin-time kinda young actress. she can pick her nose on camera and be absolutely comfortable about it. she gives hope to the world that there are still humans living and breathing in hollywood. loved the movie.

one more week left before mid-years and i'm still at square one.

it's been a while

2006-06-13T23:09:00.000+08:00

okay i havent updated in quite a while. just havent found any motivation to come online. been busy with mugging (extremely unproductive) and watching football.

so i havent been watching that many matches until world cup arrived. any true football fans will slaughter me if i gave an excuse, even the most valid one coz really there's no excuse if you're truly passionate about the game. i admit it's super hard to remain passionate when the people around you arent even close to liking the sport. i might not have been keeping up with what's the latest, but i still love the game all the same.

watched x-men yesterday. i found it amusing how half the cinema stayed back and waited patiently til the end of the credits to watch like 5 secs worth of film. so prof X is alive. whooopeeee! it was SO worth it to wait and find that out for myself.

nani and i are having a sleepover this friday...we're gona stay up at my house watching the world cup i'm so excited! haha my first sleepover with my best friend....so cool! okay bimbo moment but yeah. *squeals*

i am quite pissed at some of my gp tuition mates. our gp tuition consists of 2 groups merged together. so mr tong called me last night telling me he wants to postpone gp tuition to 2pm and that i have to inform the other group. so i called my side up and informed them and i called a rep from the other group to ask her to inform her side so that was settled. then later i get a msg frm this girl asking for mr tong's no. coz a lot of ppl from her group couldnt make it so i gave her the no. and of course i assumed she would contact me if there were any further changes. nada. so the next day i travelled all the way to bugis for tuition with dorisa and when we got to S.O.T, the place was bloody empty! i called the girl but she didnt pick up and when dorisa called mr tong he said gp was cancelled and that was settled the night before. ugh! luckily mr tong was just round the corner so he came and tutored the both of us so it wasnt a wasted trip in the end. so irritating! i hold no grudges against this girl i'm sure she's nice but please next time dont forget to let people know if you've made any changes that would affect other people!

okay i should get some sleep now before the match tonight so toodles!

retail therapy

2006-06-02T23:49:00.000+08:00

i was watching goal & gincu. that movie is annoyingly interesting. eddy is so cute but what a jerk.

i am addicted to siti nurhaliza's concert at london...especially the love medley, OMG. gave me goosebumps.

went shopping today with my mum! bought 2 pairs of pants, one s&k top and a pair of heckerman slip-ons. i'm a happy girl. of course i went through the day without mugging. i was sitting in my mum's bhangra-robics class today, trying to mug...and this makcik comes up to me and said ''alah nak tutup buku, tak payah blajar lah, join lah ni bhangra!"
watching a bunch of makciks with no hand-eye coordination whatsoever dance is so amusing you have no idea. but some of them, gelek...fuyoh, kau main lagi.

but this fairly therapeutic day had to end with me tripping over a chair at ljs and having a bunch of juvenile mats laughing at me. =/

going crazy

2006-05-31T15:55:00.000+08:00

it's the holidays and i'm in school now mugging. how exciting.

went bowling yesterday which was super fun coz fazli and i were bowling beside a pro who scored like strike after strike (well, ALMOST) while at our lane the pins were practically untouched and our balls kept going into the 'lonkang'. but i managed to score one strike! yay! and i won so ha!

there's problems with prom yet again. this is so frustrating. candice our red carpet fantasy is being dashed bit by bit. we gotta do something to save it!

i dont understand why some people can just be so mean as to bitch about people you dont even know. like hello, what pleasure do you derive from making fun of people who have nothing to do with you...stop putting people down to cover up your own insecurities okay. like christina aguilera belts out in one of hr songs...'you must talk so big, to make up for smaller things'...yeah like your tiny miniscule almost non-existant dick! ugh!

okay back to mugging. toodles.

nothin much

2006-05-29T21:40:00.000+08:00

i cant believe people are complaining that i dont update so here i am updating.

nothing much's been going on. it's homework, mug, homework, mug all the way. it's boring and tiring and killing me but i have no other choice. it's not that bad actly coz everyone around me is doing the same thing so we all can find comfort in that.

we're going for prom! yayyyy! like finally. after so much deliberation and persuasion and whining candice and i managed to get our classmates to go for prom. high-5 candice! it's freaking expensive but i guess it's a once in a lifetime thing and it's at fullerton and i really really always wanted to dress up glamorously and go for prom.

156 days left to a levels apparently. that's very very little time. i need to stop slacking like what i'm doing now and studyyy!!!!

star gazing with thatha and thuthu todayy was pleasant and peaceful aside from the man whom thuthu claims were looking intently at us from his house window. we talked about the future and about boys and basically other things girls would talk about. sometimes the best things in life are free and simple. =)

syf

2006-05-23T14:26:00.000+08:00

i was extremely disappointed yesterday. you can say what you want but we worked hard for a gold, mr tong coached us towards that direction, we expected nothing less. but when dorisa suddenly sat up during lit tutorial, turned to me and said "we got a silver", i didnt know what to think. my gut feeling had always said it would be a silver but i guess deep down i was really hoping beyond hoping that my gut feeling was wrong. i was fine at first but when i saw neetha and i hugged her, everything just fell apart. i dont even know why we were so affected by it. everyone else was congratulating us and saying we did a great job.

and i guess now i do see no point in crying over it. hey we raised the bar for nyedc, we really did come up with a kick-ass play even if the judges think otherwise, we had A LOT of fun, we impressed many many people who really thought we couldnt make it, we forged special friendships and...and...and...okay maybe i am trying to make myself feel better here...

ugh!

photos!

2006-05-20T00:37:00.000+08:00

photos time! yayy!

Drama Night:

05A3 is LOVE.

my adoring fans... =P

look at how happy samir is...GATAL!

me and my best friend...my best friend and i =)

mardi looks so adorable...

me and the j1s...thanks for the support girls...

fazli (look at that model wannabe..hahaha), zanna and hazri...

the wonderful cast minus dorisa.

'NAK...DON'T LEAVE MAK PLEASE! MAK ONLY GOT YYOOOUUUU!!!! NAAAAK....'

the five-foot-way team...we like so rock.

Dinner at Samar Restaurant:

Me and Ms Kwok at coffee bean...

at samar...the place is gorgeous and the food is delicious...the company was priceless.

Camwhoring session in school:

thatha, what'll i ever do without you darling...

me and my girlfriend... =D

reminiscing the good days...

we love gilmore girls! right candice?

photo op with RONIN vocalist!!!:

we were the only people who rocked to their songs...bloody jc muggers...

yayyy....omg uploading photos is such a drag...i'm tired...

ok off to finish off last minute homework...UGH!

the simple things in life

2006-05-18T20:40:00.000+08:00

a huge huge pile of homework is sitting in my bag calling me to complete it but i cant seem to get my ass up and get anything done. what's new right...

i've been extremely happy and contented these past few days. had a nice late lunch with fazli today after school (the first time in many weeks that i actually saw the light of day when i left school!) and we caught up on things. with him it can be so wild and crazy, and other times, like this one, pleasant and peaceful. and yesterday i had the most wonderful time with the drama ppl at samar restaurant where ms kwok and mr ng treated all of us to a hearty dinner. yemeny food is absolutely fantastic, the setting and atmosphere was breathtaking, and the company was priceless. we stayed there from 5-9.30 pm just having a feast, playing games and sharing jokes. i'm so thankful i was part of all this. to think i once rejected the role. thank god for them not being able to find a suitable replacement. i would have missed out on so much, including the free food! ;p

on a less cheerful note, i know many people have noticed a huge change in me since my secondary school days, appearance and attitude wise. some think i've changed for the better, and some think i've changed for the worst. which one is it? have i become a horrible person? or am i still the same old zu? but then again why should i care about what ppl think? i hate it that i care so much about what others think of me. you know i'm so sick and tired of people saying i've changed and this and that. ok fine, i've changed. deal with it. i've always opened my heart to others, accept others no matter what flaws they have, dealt with the changes i've seen in others. i've never been a bitch to anyone who truly dont deserve it. if you receive bitch treatment from me, it means you're really bad. but that's besides the point. the point is that why cant others see the changes in me and just deal with it? if my treatment towards you hasnt changed, why cant you just treat me the same way you've always treated me, rgardless of how i've changed? i feel myself slowly growing as a person, creating my own identity, coming out of the shadows. please give me this chance to blossom, and not hide anymore. stop thinking that i'm dumb and i'll shut up even when you have a go at me. stop taking advantage of my patience. and above all stop thinking i've changed for the worst simply because i fight back when you throw shit at me.

i'm slowly dealing with my self-esteem issues. dont you dare spoil it for me.

it's over

2006-05-17T09:54:00.000+08:00

well...it's all over.

so it was syf yesterday. i dont know what to think. we were missing a prop, the set cocked up during the performance, and we missed the spotlight for the final scene. but other than that everything went rather smoothly. there's no point fretting over it now coz everything is now in the hands of the judges but i cant help but wonder.

a pathetic 3 out of a possible 20 ppl cam to support us, syimah, filzah and fazli. i had loads of fun during the bus ride back to school and having dinner with the cast and crew at serangoon gardens market followed by ice-cream at sticky rice just made my day. i expected to see tears but i guess there's no point in crying. we were all fun and laughter and that's the way it should be, that's the way it should remain. we cant keep looking back and think 'omg it ended' and bawl our eyes out everytime. we should remember the good times and laugh about it. dont get me wrong, i feel sad, i really do. i mean really, i spent about 2 months working for this, and i made loads of wonderful friends, and i strengthened bonds with loads of wonderful ppl. it's an expereince i will never forget...EVER. but i dont want to meet xiaoyi along the corridors and run into her arms crying. i want to see her and hug her and smile and laugh with her. and i want to do that with everybody else as well. so my dear cast and crew of five-foot-way, let's be sad that we've come to the end of this wonderful journey, but more importantly let's celebrate our accomplishments and the special friendships that we've forged. smile everyone!

i cant wait for post production party! =)

withdrawal symptoms

2006-05-08T14:29:00.000+08:00

well drama night's finally over. it's so sad! i mean it's not really over yet coz we still gotta work for another week or so for syf but i'm already feeling like something's missing. preparing for five-foot-way was really a rollercoaster ride and i especially enjoyed the last week when everything was finally coming together, the sets, the props, the script even. the cast got much closer and we got to bond with the wonderful wacky crew as well. there's sooo much i'm gonna miss!

i'm gonna miss xiaoyi's lame jokes and bimbo-ness. i'm gonna miss franson's ah beng antics. i'm gonna miss samir's SUPER lame/hilarious jokes and comments, and him constantly running away and ducking from ms kwok's flying slipper, i'm gonna miss sweet zhi yang, i'm gonna miss hearing ang-soh's screaming, i'm gonna miss hearing mr tong's dirty comments and mentally counting the number of times he says 'itself' in a sentence, i'm gonna miss darling neetha gently removing make-up from my face even though i could have very well done it myself, i'm gonna miss staying back in school until late and having dinner together and chit chatting and singing as if we had the greatest voices in the world...aaargghhh! the list goes on and on.

i dont want it to end. never ever. after syf it'll all really be over. then we'll go our separate ways (i cant stay deluded, this will eventully happen...) and this expereince will just be a distant bittersweet memory. dorisa made me tear just now. i almost bawled my eyes out but no, i'm not gonna let myself break down, not now anyway. there's no point.

thanks to all those who came to support. thanks muchos for the flowers and chocolates and brownie. love 'em all.

to dorisa and xiaoyi, smile babes.

i'll try upload photos soon.

=)

random entry

2006-05-03T12:35:00.000+08:00

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad dayYou're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't knowYou tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Daniel Powter - Bad Day

who am i?

2006-04-27T21:06:00.000+08:00

we had quite an exciting ct period today. we had to share with our classmates what good qualities we found in ourselves and affirm each other. it made me think a lot about how i view myself and how people view me.

i dont know why, it's hard for me to feel confident about myself. i really do admire people who have so much self-confidence. they are really assured about who they are and what they want to be. they're not affected by what people say or do. why cant i be more like them? why cant i wake up every morning and say "i'm not perfect, but i'm good just the way i am." my morning thought stops at "i'm not perfect." sharini says i give myself too little credit. sometimes i feel that she's right, other times i feel i give myself too much. most of the time it's the latter. it's just not easy for me to believe when others say something good about me. not that i dont appreciate their praises or compliments, i just cant seem to get it into my head and tell myself "hey, they're right, i am good."

i thought that my low self-esteem was due to the fact that i thought i was fat and unattractive. i really hated myself for being so superficial and thinking so disgustingly shallow. well i've lost quite a lot of weight if i do say so myself, no difference in how i feel about myself...okay maybe a little difference, but very minute one at that. it is really miserable and pathetic to feel so low about yourself and then, be angry at yourself for feeling like that.

i feel the need to be on good terms with everybody. because i just hate having people hate or even dislike me just a little bit. even poeple i dont like. i guess i have this thinking that it's okay for me to not like people but everyone must like me or else i will be deemed a failure in life. i guess that's why i'm such a people pleaser. but why should i do that? why should i go all out to please people, to make them like me, to be there for them, to give them support, to keep them company, anything. why should i do all that for them when they rarely ever do anything back in return? not that i expect anything back, i dont, that's just wrong. but it sucks when you're not appreciated. sometimes thanks just isnt enough to show appreciation. i dont know, sometimes i expect more. this is when i again question myself, am i sincere? why doesnt thanks suffice? what do i want in return? then i scold myself again for being such a bitch.

sometimes i really do hate myself you know. i can sit here while typing to myself and think "omg zu you are such a whiner! stop wallowing in self-pity and get a fucking grip woman!" and you can sit there reading this and think, "this girl is crazy, she should shut the fuck up and get a life..." whatever. i cant stop myself from feeling this way. i really want to get rid of these shitty thoughts and feelings that have been haunting me ever since a came into teenagehood. but i dont know how to.

please help me.

another tiresome day

2006-04-25T09:57:00.000+08:00

so i'm sitting in the comp lab right now with tiggerina and thumberlina. we all have cute little disney names for ourselves. =D okay childish but what the heck.

i thought chaucer would be such a pain to read but it's actually not that impossible and quite interesting actually once you overcome the fear of the language. omg am i turning into a mugger freak?

our rugby boys had a match against mi yesterday at our school. such an exciting game. it was almost neck-to-neck. ALMOST. of course we won despite the mi boys being twice the nanyang ruggers' sizes. can i just say that we have quite a few hot ruggers. watching them playing in the rain yesterday was OMG.

met up with nani after that. it was nice. i really missed her. =)

i just realise mid-year exam is in 2 months. in 2 months i have to cramp 2 years worth of maths concepts, details on 4 lit books, plus malay sastera stuff into my head. so extremely screwed.

oh wait! just realised production is next week! aarrrrgghhh!!!

sigh. i hope people will like five-foot-way. i'm kinda proud of it. it's really nice. it's a very real play, very close to all our hearts i think. come and watch it people!

i've been feeling very physically and emotionally tired lately. about the latter, i'm not sure why but yeah, i just feel so...exhausted.

rhat time of the month

2006-04-18T16:10:00.000+08:00

oh my god.

as of today i can safely say that menstrual cramps are THE most painful things in the whole world.

during assembly this morning i started feeling really uneasy and i knew straight away that that time of the month had finally come but i wasnt prepared with a pad in my bag. thank god darling bambi had one in her bag. throughout the whole of maths lecture i couldnt focus at all because the pain was excrutiating and i was just waiting for lecture to be over so that i could dash to the malay room to lie down fo a while. so much for dashing. i could barely walk let alone climb the stairs all the way up to the 5th floor. i somehow managed to get there and plopped myself onto the sofa. the pain was getting worse and i couldnt sit still without wanting to tear my uterus out (dont ask me how...). i tried to do some work but i just couldnt focus. i shifted from the tables to the platforms at the back of the malay room and back to the sofa again. by then the pain was so totally unbearable i started crying. i was even trembling. it was then i decided to listen to sharini and take early leave home. thanks little mermaid for helping me. i took the cab home. i was sooo bloody pissed with the driver! her drove so fast which meant a lot of sudden breaks and bumps throughout my journey home. he was enjoying himself while i was sitting at the back grimacing and holding back my tears everytime there was a bump. and i had to pay 12 bucks for all that. ugh.

anyway i'm rotting at home now, still in pain but bearable. i will absolutely die if this is going to happen every single month. i usually have painful cramps but never before as bad as this. it's so unfair that women have to go through this every single month from the moment they reach puberty to the moment they hit menopause. let's say a girl first gets her period at the age of 12, and hits menopause at the age of 50. that's 38 years. which means we women have to suffer such excrutiating pain once every month for about 4 decades of our lives. and this doesnt include the pain we go through to give birth. men have all the luck. ugh.

oooh gilmore girls starting soon. wheeeee!!!!

miserable

2006-04-15T22:02:00.000+08:00

i dont know why i've been feeling kinda of miserable lately. maybe i'm pms-ing. i'm missing all my friends. each and every single one of them. but i feel like i'll be bothering them if i just pick up the phone to call or sms coz you know, we're all very busy people.

yeah.

make it stop!

2006-04-14T18:53:00.000+08:00

if it's not bad enough that i had a horrible horrible sore throat and a really bad runny nose (i've been blowing my nose so much it feels numb now)...that i've skipped three days of school and because of that i missed my chance of getting the SMC CCA award because i missed the interviews...that i havent stepped out of the house since tuesday morning...if all that isnt suffering enough...i just had to develop rashes. where it came from i have no friggin idea...all i know is that i am itching all over my body. what did i do to deserve this? which heartless soul wished this upon me? somebody please kill me now.

i need to distract from the itch. okay so pw turned out better than expected. really thought i might flunk coz bloody anthony ho didnt get our project til like the very last minute, after i answered my question which scared the hell out of me but thankfully god was kind enough to remember the many sleepless nights i had and the tears i shed with rani during those intense pressurising moments. it all paid off in the end.

okay so regarding my previous post about my dad, just heard his side of the story and i am relieved to know that he's still the dad i know and love, but now with a heavier burden on his shoulders. i thought things were okay for my family, seeing how my parents seem to be quite contented. but according to my sources (that means my grandma) things are still extremely shaky and my parents are just trying not to worry anybody.

oh well, i should just be thankful that no matter what problems i have, there are still many people out there i know who have it worse than me. had a nice chat with shufang when she came over to my house to make some delicious cornflake cookies. was quite surprised that she revealed so much to me coz let's face it we're not exactly best friends. but i'm gald she did. it's nice to have people open up to you and it's nice to just sit down and share. =D of course there were some bitching involved.

oh god the itch is killing me.

i need lotion NOW.

pain

2006-04-12T13:09:00.000+08:00

i've been rotting at home for 2 days. my throat is seriously killing me. somebody tear my throat out please.

anyway, i think my grandma has a knack of talking and revealing too much. it's not in any of her intentions to talk and bad-mouth other people but sometimes it seems to come across that way. she got a phone call just now and was telling me about it. i wish she hadnt said anything to me. now i keep asking myself...was what she said really true? is my dad really like that? no he cant be. he's a good person, he wouldnt do such a thing. i mean no matter how much we owe people, even if we cant afford to pay them back, he wouldnt try to avoid them right?

would he?

ego booster....NOT

2006-04-10T21:03:00.000+08:00

okay so i was at ang mo kio station today waiting for mardi coz she was supposed to pass me her salina book. so there i was standing at the control station and this group of disgusting-looking ajc guys turned up. they were standing around the area also and they started talking about me. like hello i'm there in front of you and you talk about me as if i'm invisible. so anyway they were blatantly checking me out and commenting about the way i look and i heard one of the guys say, "face like shit...but hot bod..."

omg! so embarrassing! i was all alone and i didnt know where to look and how to look.

face like shit??? honestly all this while i thought i had a fat disgusting body but an okay face, not pretty but pleasant enough. now apparently people think i'm ugly? i was pissed at first coz they were all disgusting to begin with and so i dont think they were in any position to judge the way i look. but then i became extremely sad and it didnt help that i was in my pms-y mood.

there i go again. for heaven's sake stop it zu.

updating

2006-04-06T20:28:00.000+08:00

hey to those who actually read me blog.

it's been a while since i last updated. i've been just so tired from school that i don't bother to come online and if i do, well updating my blog would be the last thing on my mind.

drama has just been so tiring i have no idea why because it's not that intense yet. so i cant imagine how bushed i would be when it gets more intense. but it has been fun though. we've been doing loads of improvs on the most important scene, trying to come up with the perfect resolution for the play because frankly the resolution now just doesnt seem to be working. improvs can be so hilarious sometimes with the funny things that we end up saying but when the actors are clear about their characters and their motivations and we actually focus, it's amazing the ideas we develop from it all. it's all good i guess but the time that drama taking up is so not funny. i hardly have time to catch up on my work because i go straight to bed once i get home and i always intent to wake up in the middle of the night to do my work but i never do.

speaking of all things drama i'm going to acjc production this saturday. i really really pray it's going to be worth my $25 because i had to starve in school for a few days to save that amount. yes pathetic i know. but camelot last year was so entertaining and since this year is SYF year i'd expect them to come up with something equally good or even better. and of course hopefully i'd enjoy some eye candy there as well. =P

i think miss victor is being so irresponsible for taking forever to mark our block test scripts. because of that now they're just going to use our king lear essay for our block test grades and nothing else. i am so not complaining about that considering i did quite well for that essay, hehe, but it i not fair to the rest who might have depended on thier great expectations and PC essays for their results. it's our grades we're talking about here. couldnt have she just finished marking....seeing as how mrs gan manages to do it what with having kids and all. to think she goes on and on about completing her assignments on time and blah blah blah.

sigh..ok i better go off to do my karangan. ugh.

ta-ta.